The Ebony Advisor - relationship advice - Questions and Answers - Brief Article - Column

Ebony, Dec, 1999

Expert Advise on Love and Relationship

`She is asking me to choose between her and my son. What should I do?'

Q I'm in love with a great woman and we have a lot of fun together. And recently l moved in with her. I have a 7-year-old son who lives with me and is my heart and soul. I introduced them and she knew about him from the start. She's always complaining that she wants to be alone with me and we need quality time. And there's a question of who should come first--her or my Son. She thinks that she should come first and I say my son should until he can provide for himself. She wants me to send him away permanently so that we can be alone. It seems to be a never-ending battle, and I think my son is losing the most. Please give me some advice ... I don't want to lose her, but my son needs his father. D.S., Atlanta

A In the recent EBONY article, "Mistakes Women Make In Dating Single Dads" (June 1999), fathers like you discussed this very issue about the woman competing with the child for time, attention and affection. This particular woman is not a good match for you. Only a selfish, self-centered woman would ask you to send your child away so that she can have more time. This is only the tip of the iceberg; after she rids you of your son, are your friends and family members next? Your child should be your top priority. And there are plenty of loving, sincere Sisters with hearts big enough for both you and your son.

Q I am a 23-year-old college student who has been in a relationship with a guy the same age for a year and a half. We used to get along great until March when I found some pornographic magazines under his mattress. He is aware that I found them; he apologized profusely and swore he would never do it again. However, since then, the relationship has been up and down. I don't trust him very much and my sex drive has decreased dramatically because I feel I do not compare to the women in those magazines. I am considering breaking off the relationship because I just can't seem to forgive him for this betrayal of trust. Am I overreacting? I love him, but I don't know how to get past this. C.J., Hammond, La.

A What betrayal of trust? And, yes, you are overreacting. You have a serious self-esteem and body-image problem. It is all a part of the male sexuality experience and in no way reflects on you or your boyfriend's love for you. Pornography is harder and harder to define, and sexuality experts say that such material has no harmful effect, if there is no fixation and it is not used to escape reality. However, it should be kept away from children. Loosen up and get in touch with reality and your own sexuality. It would be a shame for you to drive what might be a good man away with your insecurities.

Q I am a 21-year-old Black female who one day wants to have children. But when I was 12 1/2 years old, I was raped and had an abortion, I don't know if I am able to have kids because of my abortion. I have a boyfriend, and we do want kids, but I want to finish school first. We did have sex with no condom. I thought I was pregnant, but I wasn't. So should I go to a doctor to see if I can have kids or just talk to someone? S.C., Tacoma, Wash.

A Please talk to a professional--immediately! The fact that you were raped and had an abortion does not preclude your having children. Make an appointment with a doctor (gynecologist, preferably). Get information on human reproduction. If you are having sex, you certainly should have an understanding of how the human reproductive system works. In addition, you and your boyfriend should always practice safe sex. It would be foolish for you to get pregnant, again, just to prove a point.

Q For many years, I have showered my father and favorite aunt with gifts and money. They seldom ask, but I do it because I love them both and I can afford to be generous. Now, at 40, I am engaged to marry a man I've know for many years. For the first time in my life, I am living with a partner. He has two college-age children whom he cares for, and the kids and I have a great relationship. What surprises me most is the reaction from my father and aunt. Though they seem to like my fiance, they have commented to me and others that they feel he is taking advantage of me, basically because he has two kids and I have a high income. He also has a good income. My father and aunt constantly inquire about his job (which I've explained 100 times) and appear to be envious of the fondness shared by me and his children. Is it my imagination, or do you think my dear father and aunt are really jealous of my beau? Is this a common reaction? A. A.. Miami

A Yes, it certainly appears that your father and aunt are jealous of your fiance and his children. However, you should not let that keep you from enjoying a wonderful relationship and getting married. What you are experiencing is a common reaction from close family members when a loved one takes on a life partner. Reassure your father and aunt that your love for and relationship with your fiance will not detract from the love you have for each of them, that you have more than enough love to go around, However, do not feel that you must continue to dole out money and gifts if that is not your desire. Don't let your "spoiled" family make you feel guilty about being in love. Go on and enjoy your life. You deserve it.