The Ebony advisor: expert advice on love and relationships - Brief Article

Q I think I might have a unique situation here. To start off, I am a male, age 39. I love women, every multifaceted fiber of their being, and I enjoy their company immensely. My problem is that most women seem comfortable talking about the inner workings of their bodies--everything from menopause to sexual intercourse. Now, while I find all this exciting, I end up most of the time walking away and returning when the conversation changes. Because women are so comfortable talking to me, I'm beginning to think maybe there's something wrong with me. (As one comedian would say, "Does that make me gay?") Or maybe there's something about my demeanor that gives them a safety zone of comfort. Most even tell me I'm not like other guys who don't understand or don't feel comfortable hearing about feminine problems, and women don't like talking this way around them. I don't think I'm any different than other males, but women feel comfortable talking so openly around me. Why is that? P.W., Kansas City, Mo.

A Brother, you have the gift, the vibes, the sensitivity, the good ear. And women recognize and zero in on this fact. As you make clear, women are comfortable around you and feel free to express their innermost thoughts about their innermost body functions. But you don't have to put up with all this female talk. Take comfort in knowing that many women share your sentiments and don't want to be bombarded with personal information about another's biology, anatomy and functions (or malfunctions). Your distaste does not mean you are gay. Perhaps in the past you expressed concern and contributed to such conversations, and women take that as a signal that you are okay with such talk. The next time such a conversation comes up, politely excuse yourself. No explanation is required.

Q My husband has complained for years about not being sure as to what I want when we are intimate. I, on the other hand, hated spelling out in detail what I needed. I have a strong libido, but there are times that I just want to cuddle. Once he came to accept that there are times when one wants intimacy without sex, I started a system, which has put an end to any confusion, anger or frustration. When I just want to cuddle, I go to bed naked. He loves the feel of my soft skin and is willing to cuddle without pursuing sex when I do this. When I want sex, I wear something seductive to bed. We haven't had a bad lovemaking experience since, and by the time we are done, we are cuddling naked as we drift off to sleep. We both look forward to going to bed each night whether or not we make love. I hope this is a help to readers. B.R., Richmond, Calif.

A It is reassuring to learn that some couples are enjoying an active and fulfilling sex life. And it is wonderful that you and your husband have worked out a system that encourages intimacy and gives you both sexual satisfaction. Other couples should be aware, however, that a naked wife (or husband) would signal to most amorous spouses that tonight's the night for much more than just cuddling.

Q I recently met a man who is really nice, respectful and has a beautiful personality. We are good friends, but I feel when the time is right, it could possibly turn into something more than a friendship. The only problem is that we follow different religions. I have not told him anything about my religion because some people shy away from me due to my religion and are ignorant and don't completely understand it. I'm well aware of his religion. I care for him and I feel attracted to him mentally, emotionally, physically and intellectually, and I know he feels the same. So what should I do? Please help me! J.B., Ashtabula, Ohio

A There is no reason to be stressed out about religious differences at this time. You say you "recently" met this man and that you are "good friends." Let that friendship develop naturally. If the relationship progresses to something more serious, then bring up the subject of religion. (And, yes, harmony in religious beliefs is important in a relationship.) In the meantime, get to know your friend and give him a chance to learn who you are as a woman and as a whole person. You'll know when the time is right to bring up religion.

Q My fiance has been away and I've had a sexual relationship on more than one occasion with my children's father. I do not know if I ought to volunteer the information of this sexual relationship. What do you think? It was purely for sexual reasons and the fact that my fiance was away. I felt a desire to be physically loved at that time(s). I am now, and always will be, faithful. I have learned the means did not justify the result. I love myself more now than at the time(s) of the sexual relations. I now have a larger scope and perspective on delayed gratification. C.J. Chicago

A There is no reason for you to confess your infidelity to your fiance, though you should tell the truth if he asks. But you need to search deeper into your heart and soul as to why you chose to cheat. Saying you felt a "desire to be physically loved" during the times your fiance was away is rather shaky. Get your act together and put your priorities in order.