Expert advice on love and relationships. `My husband and I have great sex, so why am I fantasizing about women?' - The Ebony Advisor

Q I have a great sex life. Foreplay excites me. My only complaint is we don't have sex as often as we used to, but that is not due to lack of passion but because of our demanding jobs and active children. (We still make love three to four times a week, which is, if I can believe what I read, above average.) So what's my problem? When I am alone I find myself having sexual fantasies about other women. This troubles me. Why would a woman who is blessed to be able to reach an orgasm virtually every time she has sex and who loves her husband be fantasizing about making love with a woman? Please help me on this.

San Bruno, Calif.

A Your sex life is to be envied, and the fact that you have achieved such an active and fulfilling sexual relationship with your husband makes it all the more wonderful. Joyce Hamilton Berry, Ph.D., a psychologist who has offices in Washington, D.C., and Columbia, Md., says if you and your husband make love three to four times a week, that is definitely above average. "Sometimes people don't live in the present and they don't appreciate what they already have," Dr. Berry says. "I wonder what your husband thinks and feels about what you perceive as a problem. Could it be that you are one who is never satisfied with anything in life?" She suggests that you and your husband schedule some time in which you can be spontaneous and romantic, but it seems you are doing just fine in that area. Dr. Berry also says you should be aware that people fantasize about all sorts of things, but that doesn't mean that they will or should act them out. View your relationship and your sex life realistically. Count your blessings and continue to make time for you and your husband.

Q I'm a 50-year-old woman, and I've been married for almost a year. This is the second time for the both of us. We have plenty of things in common. One of our favorite things is going dancing at the club. The problem is that occasionally, while at the club, my husband's ex-girlfriend will be there. She doesn't seem to show any interest toward him. However, he becomes mesmerized with her. I can't get his attention no matter what I say or do. He just focuses on her. The fun stops, and I'm ready to go home. I get angry, we argue and there is chaos in our household. We don't go out much because of this. Recently, I found out that he has been calling her. I love my husband and I don't want to lose him. What must I do to get his full attention?

S.B., Texas

A With the information you've given, it's difficult to determine what really is going on here. Is your husband a womanizer by nature? Did he leave this girlfriend for you? Why is he so fascinated by her? Have a good talk with your husband and ask some pointed questions. You may not like what you hear, but you deserve to know what's going on in his head and heart. Also consider whether you are blowing this whole thing out of proportion. Is this a case of an old player who should be ignored? And is there not more than one club in your town where you can go dancing?

Q It was so hard for me to trust a man after what my first put me through. In this so-called relationship of eight years now, I've been feeling that he was seeing someone else. A few years ago, he got hurt and was taken to the hospital; that's where I ran into the other woman. She wanted to know who I was, because she's been with him for six years. He was telling me she was just a friend and telling her the same about me. I love and care for him, but I don't trust anything he says. Should I continue to be with him or should I just leave now? We had decided it was over, but he's still coming over like nothing has ever happened between us.

Detroit

A And he will continue to come over and enjoy his double life as long as you let him. It seems that you have a pattern of being attracted to men who disrespect you. Could it be that you don't expect much and allow yourself to be used, repeatedly? You must respect yourself if you want to be respected. Give him an ultimatum: Be faithful or get lost. And back up your words with action.

Q For almost five years, I have been in a relationship with a guy I met in high school. We are both 26. We were good friends, but lost touch for a couple of years and then met again in college. I feel we have come to a crossroad. I want to marry and have children before I am 30. I love him, but I don't know if he wants to get married. Should I wait until he is ready, if ever, or should I move on and stop wasting my time?

Chicago

A If you have been dating this man for five years, you should have some idea if he is the marrying kind who wants to have children. Next time you two are having an enjoyable evening, ask him about his dreams and hopes for the future. There are ways to find out what is in a man's head and heart. If all else fails, ask him point blank. Then you can decide if you should move on.

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