Give the gift of love and pampering - Holiday Romance

Ebony, Dec, 2002 by Zondra Hughes

THIS is the time of year when most couples are inundated with relatives and regalia and last-minute shopping for gifts. But experts say that perhaps the best gift to give is the gift of love and pampering--to yourself and to your significant other.

"It's important for couples to take time out for a little romance," says New York-area psychologist Vera S. Paster, author of Making Love Last: A Guide for African-American Couples. "Doing something special for someone leads to romance. And most importantly, romance is about the thoughtfulness of the gesture or gift, not the lavishness of it."

Unlike almost every other holiday activity, there's no need to check your wallet, purse or savings account to determine how much romance you can afford--in many cases, showing your love doesn't cost a thing. Even better, if you take the time to really get to know your mate, your romantic gestures will make every day Christmas.

Here is just a sample of some ideas that can get your season of love and romance off to a good start.

PRAISE 'EM

In the pursuit of romance, flattery will get you to first base and a heartfelt compliment will take you even further.

"Of the thousands of couples that I've counseled, the most common complaint that I hear from Black men is that they don't feel appreciated," says Chicago-area psychologist George E. Smith. "Black women need to tell their men that they are appreciated--he needs to know that he is not taken for granted."

So, sit that hardworking man of yours down and look him straight in the eye. Rest your head on his shoulder and tell him, "I don't know if you realize this or not, but I am very grateful that you paid the car note on time, shoveled the walkway, fixed the leaking faucet, cut Junior's hair, offered to walk my dog, even on the coldest mornings," etc. Don't assume he knows this already; he may need to hear it from you directly to get some reassurance.

And Brothers, what's good for the Brother is also good for the Sister. The Black woman needs to know that she, too, is appreciated for all that she does in the day and all through the night. If she's a mother, one of the greatest things to let her know is that you appreciate the way she's raising your children. If she's on her way to the beauty shop, don't give her the third-degree interrogation; instead, says Dr. Smith, you should leave some extra money on the kitchen table and tell her, "just go out and get pretty for me."

In delivering your praise, don't just thank your partners for the things that they do for you, thank them also just for being who they are.

RING THE BELLS

Stevie Wonders mega hit song "I Just Called to Say I Love You," really illustrates how a simple phone call can bring a smile to your loved one's face, and really warm the heart--especially during the colder winter months. And there is nothing more romantic than to call your mate just to profess your love. When placing this love call, do not include any other conversation or demands with it--just declare your love, wish him/her a good day, and hang up the phone.

LET YOUR FINGERS DO THE TALKING

All some men want for Christmas is a good back rub. Today, holistic therapy and massage is as popular as it's ever been, but the fact remains that the typical African-American man or woman does not enjoy the benefits of massage, that is, unless he or she is a professional athlete or a privileged CEO who is afforded massages on the job. Yet giving a massage--even an amateur one--is just about the most romantic thing a couple can do for each other, explains Gordon Inkeles, author of The New Sensual Massage: Learn to Give Pleasure with Your Hands.

According to Inkeles, you can blow your mate's mind 10 minutes from now, even if you've never given a massage before in your life.

"You won't need to practice strange exercises or develop unused muscles," he notes. "Think of massage as educated touching. You were born to do massage, to give pleasure with your hands. Simply making unhurried contact with your partner's body initiates a warm, deeply relaxing feeling."

The keys to giving a romantic full-body massage are simple: 1. Don't rush the job. 2. Set the mood with soft jazz and candles to create a relaxing atmosphere. 3. Incorporate aromatherapy, using scents that are pleasurable to your partner. 4. Listen to your partner's feedback and follow his/her lead. Giving your partner a well-deserved foot massage is equally romantic, especially to women.

Other forms of touching are just as romantic, according to some Sisters--"I just love it when my husband shampoos my hair!" says one California Sister who sports a short Afro. "He gives me a tender head massage and I could just curl up and fall asleep afterwards."

"It is really romantic when I'm in the kitchen and my man creeps up behind me and massages my shoulders," says Tiffany, a Chicago-area teacher. "When he does that, I'm so relaxed that I could just slave over that hot stove all day long."

BRING JOY TO HIS WORLD--RATTLE THE POTS & PANS