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Secrets men keep: what your man really wants to tell you
Ebony, Dec, 2003 by Zondra Hughes
Go on and admit it, girlfriend. You tried to read his mind. You tried to read between the lines. And when all else failed, you tried to read the writing on the wall. And yet you still have no clue about what your man really wants. But your guessing games are over.
With unprecedented candor, Black men from coast to coast (many under the condition of strict anonymity) have agreed to tell you exactly what they wish they could tell you to your face without having to face the repercussions.
These are your man's secrets, they say, the truth about sex, the truth about how he really sees you, the truth about what makes him tick and the truth about what really ticks him off.
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But before you read any further, the informants caution that you should proceed only if you can handle the truth. If not, they say that perhaps you should put those psychic reading glasses back on and go back to guessing.
"KEEP YOUR APPEARANCE UP. VISUAL STIMULATION IS VITAL."
Time changes the outward appearance, and no one expects you to remain like a photo in a frame. What really turns a man on is the fact that you are making an effort to look good for him. That lets him know that he's just as important to you as those special occasions as those special dolled-up for.
But when you let your appearance slide by skipping a pedicure here and there or perhaps allowing the gradual weight gain to hold your sexier outfits at bay, your man reads just the opposite. He may not say anything (heaven knows the last thing he wants is to spend a night on the cold sofa), but he's watching you like a hawk--so, yes, he notices your self-neglect, and he doesn't like it.
"Too often we're told as men that when our women get out of shape and unattractive we're supposed to accept that and say, 'We love you just the way you are. It doesn't matter how you look,'" says New York-area psychologist Jeffrey Gardere, author of Ending the War Between Black Men and Women. "That is what love is supposed to be about, but at the same time, women have the responsibility, just as men do, to stay attractive for their partners and for themselves. And men really want women to know that."
So make a resolution to ditch that faded gown and buy a hot new lacy number, and stop prancing around the house with rollers in your hair. And take it a step further by making an appointment with a fitness trainer--and keep it.
"DON'T HESITATE TO INITIATE"
Your man wants you to put on your red dress and those high heels, pop in that Marvin Gaye CD--you know the one and run after him like a crazed bull that's loose in a China shop.
That's not what they say in your presence, but it's all they talk about within the sacred wails of the barbershop.
"I'd go to work, come home, shower, and then I'd try to snuggle with her, and the routine was getting really old, really fast," says Robert, a Norfolk-area newlywed. "She never hits on me, and she's my wife. The women I work with hit on me, strangers hit on me, but my own wife doesn't do it. I'm starting to believe that she doesn't want me as much as I want her."
Men want to be pursued, and having a woman flip the script is a major turn-on, some say.
"I'd love to come home to a sexy, bad girl," jokes Michael from Chicago. "I mean, she's a good girl, but she's my bad girl at home."
But realistically, relationship therapists say that many Sisters just can't bring themselves to be the bad girl that their man wants them to be.
"Even in this age of liberation most women will tell me that they have a hard time initiating sex because that is not how they were raised," explains Nick Chiles, author of In Love and War: A Novel. "And I think that Black women have a double burden of trying to work against the stereotype of being the oversexed Black woman, so they grow up making it clear that the man is going to have to be the one to initiate sex because she's not that kind of girl. This continues into marriage, and even if they want it, they will have a hard time asking for it. So if she isn't able to say what she wants right out, try to make it really obvious for us, with that lingerie and stuff, and we'll get the message loud and clear."
"LET ME BE THE MAN. I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF YOU."
It's a fact that many, many Brothers admire and respect a Sister who is strong and independent, and one who is adept at handling her business at work and at home. But some Sisters take the Superwoman syndrome a little too far, says Ricky* from Birmingham.
"As a man, I know that I'm expected to take care of my woman," Ricky says. "But my woman has been told, since she was a child, that she shouldn't have to wait for a man to take care of her, that she can take care of herself because she's strong. I love a strong woman, but can't you submit when your man is trying to love you? It's like we're in competition."
And many, many Brothers are attracted to a Sister who, in one way or another, reminds him of dear ole momma. Yet many Black men find it frustrating to have a woman who wants to be their momma--they argue that babying or bossing a grown man around is a major turnoff.
