New Year's Tips From Supermoms - tips for working mothers

Ebony, Jan, 1999 by Nicole Walker

For old and new moms, New Year's Day is the best time of the year to look back and forward and to think about the changes your children will undergo and how you can help them through the growing pains. This is a particularly important time for working mothers juggling job and day-care schedules and trying to schedule quality time for themselves and their mates and children. To expedite this process, we asked supermoms featured in 1998 stories to share their insights on how mothers can approach parenting in 1999 with renewed strength, focus and love.

Quality Time

Perhaps the most difficult aspect of juggling parenthood and profession is not being able to spend as much time as you would like with your family. Instead of feeling guilty about all the hours you're away from them, make the time you spend together this year quality time. "Aside from hugs and kisses, it's important for parents to have special activities, places to go, things to do with a child on a regular basis," says Patricia Brown Holmes of Chicago, associate judge for the Circuit Court of Cook County and mother of a 4-year-old daughter; Aasha, and a 16-year-old stepson, Demond McNeal.

Holmes practices what she preaches, often taking Aasha on weekend outings to city museums or to their favorite trait shop for a paint-and-gab session. The judge for the juvenile justice/child protection division says that her husband, Michael, the dean of students and football coach at St. Leo Catholic High School, also makes quality time with Aasha a priority. "Twice a month my husband gets off work early, picks her up, takes her to the store for her favorite snack and runs errands," Holmes says. "She looks forward to that, rather than sulking about the time she's not spending with us."

Finding time to spend together as a couple is also important for parents, especially for new mothers and fathers. Phyllis Paige, a team manager for State Farm Insurance in Chicago who had her first child, Logan Emily, last spring, says that parents need to learn to be flexible when they have a baby. "Having a baby changes your whole schedule," says Paige, who now must get up at 5:30 every morning to feed her daughter Paige's husband Nathan, a managing partner of Business Systems Engineering, also wakes up to watch the baby while Paige gets ready for work. "Before she was born, we talked in the evening when we came in from work," Paige says. "Now we sit down in the morning, since we're both awake, and discuss what we have planned for the day."

Lauren Jiles-Johnson, senior manager of management, planning and development at Sara Lee Corporation, says she tries to make every moment she spends with her children, Victoria, 4, and Nate, 6, quality time. "The issue," she says, "is not always so much finding the time as appreciating the time we have. Working parents are always in such a rash, it's easy to forget that any time with your child is a gift. So the next time your child `interrupts' you as you rash to keep some schedule, take a deep breath and look into his or her eyes and take time to appreciate this wonderful, special little person ... Also plan time each day, such as before bedtime, when you read to and talk to and give your child your undivided attention."

Child Care

The hours you are away from your children are just as important as the time you spend with them. So it's crucial to find someone who will give your kids the same degree of love and attention in your absence. "Give yourself time to get to know the person you'll be leaving your baby with," Paige suggests. "Our baby-sitter came to our house before I went back to work, so I got to know her routine and she got to know mine." Holmes says the person you choose to care for your children should share your values and reinforce them in your kids. "The person should be an extension of you," she says, "because you can't undo what's done during the day while you're not there." Jiles-Johnson says prayer and vigilance helps. "Ideally," she says, "you want to have small children in a setting where they will receive love and individual attention ... Then you want a baby-sitter who is loving, understanding and will reinforce your values as parents. If the baby-sitter comes into your home, you also want her to be neat and well organized. Last, it's important to pray for someone who will fit well into your family." Jiles-Johnson, Holmes and Paige stress that parents should take their children's feelings about the baby-sitting experience seriously, paying close attention to anything that might signal that the child is being mistreated. "If your child enjoys the individual caring for them, it's a pleasant experience," Holmes says. "If not, then your child will miss you even more and look at day care as drudgery to go somewhere they hate and are not treated with love."

Sparing The Rod

Many parents face the dilemma of how to effectively discipline their little (and not-so-little) darlings when they misbehave. Grabbing the belt may be the quickest solution, but it can cause even more problems than it solves. And those parents who hate the idea of spanking sometimes neglect punishment altogether since they don't know what else to do.