Why some brothers only date whites and `others'

Ebony, Jan, 2003 by Zondra Hughes

Unfortunately, throughout history, many Sisters on the richer end of the color spectrum have expressed this very sentiment far too many times to count. But as troubling as it is to witness a single Sister sitting all alone in a coffee shop while a Brother is ogling his non-Black sweetheart just a table away, it's even more troubling to hear the reasons why some Brothers are routinely snubbing Black women.

The oft-cited "reasons" behind the snobbery are nothing nice, and include allegations that the Black woman is attitudinal, selfish, lazy and sexually uptight, notes Connecticut-area author Carmen Ham in her book, Black Men, White Women: The Interviews.

Some sociologists explain that the boom in Black man/and Asian, Latin or multiethnic woman couplings is most likely the result of the newfound pride in multiculturalism, which has, in turn, designated the exotic-looking female as the new standard of beauty. (By the way, Jennifer Lopez has been voted the sexiest woman in the world for two years in a row by some mainstream media.)

Other experts say the increase in interracial dating can be attributed to an overall lax attitude Blacks have about dating and mating across racial lines.

Alvin Poussaint, M.D., an advisory board member for the Harvard School Center for Health Communication, has said, "Some of the negative attitudes that surround interracial coupling have been lifted considerably ... you also see an easing of a kind of Black-consciousness mentality. There is not the same kind of pressure on Blacks who are thinking about dating or marrying interracially."

To make things even more complicated, some Sisters appear to be giving the green light or at least the yellow light of indifference to Brothers dating outside the race. California psychologist Rosie Milligan, author of Why Black Men Choose White Women, found that in some cases, Black women themselves play a significant role by unwittingly spreading negative ideas about other Black women in front of their male children.

"A Black man just wants a good woman who looks good to him. Black women should love themselves, go to the gym, and learn to be happy alone," Baisden says. "Black men know that once a Black woman lets down her defenses and loves you, we can't imagine any other woman giving more than she does. Believe me, we know this. Sisters shouldn't be at all concerned about being passed over for the time being. You need to have some faith and know that when it is your time, your Black man will come."

Some Brothers find out the grass isn't always greener on the other side and they come running back to Black women, explains Dr. Joyce Berry, a psychologist in private practice who has offices in Washington, D.C., and Maryland.

"Having a similarity in background and culture is an important factor in a relationship because it creates harmony and comfort because the two people can communicate more freely," Dr. Berry explains. "I once treated a Black man who was in a relationship with a White woman and he told of the difficulty in communication; how she didn't understand our colloquial expressions or some of the dramatic phrases that we have. He was frustrated because he had to explain everything. This man later went back to establish a relationship with a Black female and later reported that it was very comfortable, and having had that experience helped him to appreciate his Sisters more."