Is celibacy the new virginity? Living the single life without sex

Ebony, Jan, 2004 by Nikitta A. Foston

AFTER a string of failed relationships, broken promises and a parade of commitment-phobic men, Shandra Johnson (not her real name) decided that she'd had enough. Rather than delving into another emotionally draining relationship, she decided to save herself, her sanity and her body for the right man--not the next man.

Vowing to make herself the prize and not a product, Johnson took the road of celibacy, promising to God, herself, and her potential partner, that she would not engage in sex until she was married--a transition that proved challenging, given the temptations and occasional late-night phone calls from an ex. But Johnson and other determined men and women have successfully removed the sex from sensuality and discovered, they say, an unexpected fulfillment that nourishes the heart, soul and spirit.

At the same time, a number of local and national leaders are striving to help young people make informed decisions regarding their sexuality. Former Miss America, Erika Harold, who won her crown based on a platform of abstinence, is pressing a national campaign that urges young Blacks to abstain from sex. Advocates for Youth, an international organization, also strives to help young people make informed and responsible decisions about their reproductive and sexual health and offers My Sistahs, a program specifically designed for young women of color. The Harlem Teen Abstinence Program, a community-driven initiative funded by the State of New York, offers a series of workshops in selected schools, community centers and housing projects, targeting children ages 10-19 in an effort to delay the onset of sexual activity in teens and preteens. These organizations, among others, have pledged their hearts and their dollars to helping our youth take control of their lives and bodies through workshops, rap sessions, mentoring programs and support groups.

MAKING THE CHOICE

Celibacy, contrary to what some may think, is not defined by a period of sexual drought, but rather, a conscious choice to abstain from sex. Whether prompted by religious reasons, heartache or the search for the ideal mate, some men and women are making the decision to step back from sexual involvements, prompting a new non-sexual revolution and, some say, a "new virginity."

"A lot of people are re-evaluating their relationships and why they've had so many failures," says Michelle McKinney Hammond, author of 101 Ways to Get and Keep His Attention. "People are tired of giving of themselves, not getting anything in return and feeling used at the end of the experience. For a woman, it's crucial that she keeps herself until she is in a committed relationship because her body is her power base. When she gives her body, her mind, heart and strength go with it. So, when she has sex, she's giving her body and spirit. And when that man walks away, he takes a piece of her spirit that she can never get back."

WHAT TO DO IN THE ABSENCE OF SEX

Adopting a life without sex is not as difficult as some might think, says Donna Marie Williams, author of Sensual Celibacy: The Sexy Woman's Guide to Using Abstinence for Recharging Your Spirit, Discovering Your Passions and Achieving Greater Intimacy in Your Next Relationship. Although some advocate channeling your sexual energies outward, Williams advises women to embrace their sexuality and the feelings of being sexy. "Just because you're not having sex," she says, "doesn't mean that you can't feel sexy or be sexy.

"Sensual celibacy is all about exploring the five senses that make up our physical body, because so often we forget that there are so many other ways, outside of sex, to make our bodies feel better. Being sensual and celibate involves delighting all of those senses in order to make you feel stronger, better, healthier and more alive. So, light your scented candles, listen to music that thrills your sort and moves your body, have a meal that curls your toes, wear clothes that hug you, and use sheets that feel like a lover's gentle caress."

But not everyone agrees with this approach. Some advocates encourage those who are abstaining to completely avoid sexually enticing situations and actions. Doing so, they say, creates a greater sense of urgency to have sex once the arousing act has ended. Instead, these advocates propose energy-affirming activities including meditation, exercise, group sports, hobbies and the comradery of those who are doing the same.

VARIATIONS OF CELIBACY

Although many believe that celibacy involves abstaining from sex until marriage, variations of the practice have emerged. "My definition of celibacy is no intercourse ... That still leaves a lot of room for play," says Williams, author of Black-Eyed Peas for the Soul. "So, you can still be sexual without having intercourse. You set the terms of how you're going to practice celibacy and for how long, keeping in mind that the goal is not to be celibate forever, but to get back into a relationship and have the best sex you've ever had" she adds. "I encourage readers to step back for their own self-determined period of time to focus on self, reconnecting with God, healing and remembering other ways to embrace life."