For Brothers Only - Brief Article

Ebony, Feb, 1999 by Kevin Chappell

It happened the other day, while waiting in line at the movies. I overheard three Sisters in front of me discussing the type of man they wanted to marry. One said the man she would spend the rest of her life with would have a face like Denzel, a body like Tyson and money like Jordan. The second one added that her man had to have Babyface's romanticism, Puff Daddy's style, and Bishop T.D. Jakes' conviction. The third one added that her man had to have all of that, plus Grant Hill's politeness and Cosby's humor.

In the end, they all agreed that the man who would win them over had to be the perfect man--funny, fashionable, cute, rich, religious, romantic, respectful--and "love me for me, or I'm not wasting my time," one Sister said.

It was obvious that each of these women truly believed she was deserving of the perfect man and would eventually find him. It was just a matter of weeding though the Rodmans to find the Jordans, the Fat Alberts to find the Cosbys, the babies and the daddies to find the Babyfaces and the Puff Daddys. But in the end, the tireless search would be worth it, because this man--this perfect man--would love her as she had never been loved before, and take her away from a world filled with the want-to-be players and perpetrating men who make up the '90s dating scene--men who are the antithesis of perfect.

At one point during their conversation, I wanted to interrupt and tell them that their skewed expectations were probably the reason none of them had a movie date. And unless they had a face like Halle, legs like Tina, curves like Bingham, could cook like mama and age like Lena, then they, by their own high standards, were faulty.

I'm sure all men--from the Brother waiting tables who was slighted by a Sister because she felt he wasn't worth her time to the Brother at the train station who was overlooked by a Sister who figured he couldn't give her the finer things in life--have wanted to express the same sentiment, but were either afraid to say it or thought it futile to do so.

Indeed, these three Sisters aren't the only ones on a quest for The World's Best Brother. There are many women--too many women--on the same mission impossible. They suffer from what Gladys described years ago as a "love overboard" high, a habitual yearning for unattainable men, an all-out longing for catches they have no hope of ever reeling in. With many women, the more unattainable a man is--be it a movie star, singer, athlete, wealthy businessman or a married man--the more desirable he is and the more he is deemed perfect.

For some Sisters, holding out for the perfect man gives them such a rush that even if they manage to hook a "Mr. Perfect," their fixation will not be cured. Soon, he too will wear thin, and be thrown back. She will misinterpret his sensitivity as softness, his spirituality as oddness, his money as his cure-all, his romanticism as an attempt to hide something. She will call him a "smotherer," or say that he was "too nice," or just plain "too perfect"--and will never be able to fully explain exactly what was wrong with him, only that "something just wasn't right."

You see, these women aren't really in love with the perfect man--they are in love with the idea of loving the perfect man. For them, the idea provides a stress-free mind excursion, the automatic go-ahead to quickly dismiss average Brothers who can't live up to their high expectations. Because many women are so focused on finding a particular type of man, they don't feel a need to "waste" time--or even a smile--on the Brother waiting tables or the one at the train station.

In the end, the "love overboard" high clouds a Sister's ability to understand that the true goal of a relationship is not the search but the find. It's not about looking for the perfect man and weeding out the average Brothers. It's about finding perfection in the average Brother and bringing out the best in him--and allowing him to bring out the best in her. It's about finding a diamond in the rough, taking her mind off cruise control and challenging herself to work as hard as she's ever worked to see if a man with potential could actually be her potential Prince Charming.

When more Sisters open up and stop looking for "love overboard" and start looking for love on board, only then will they come to understand that the average Brother can also be the perfect Brother.

And the best thing about it: She won't have to piece him together while she stands in line at the movies with two other dateless Sisters. Because her dream guy--perfect imperfections and all--will be there by her side.