What You Should Tell Your Child About SEX and LOVE

Ebony, Feb, 2000

About SEX And LOVE

Relaxed, informal family get-togethers, not a formal conference, is the best method to discuss sex and love honestly and effectively. Posed by professional models.

SURROUNDED by television, movies, video games, and the Internet, most children are soaking up sex like an oversized, thirsty sponge, according to child psychologist George E. Smith, president of the Management Planning Institute, which heads 150 "Cradle to Classroom" programs throughout the country.

"A lot of parents don't seem to understand that their children are being exposed to sex through rap music, videos and television, so we need to talk to our children about what's appropriate and what's not appropriate as it relates to sexual contact--early," Dr. Smith states.

Child and family expert Dr. Vera S. Paster agrees. "Children are being exposed to sex in a way that most parents wouldn't approve, and that's the only influence that they get. The end result is that because of a lack of role models who will reinforce a positive sense of responsibility for themselves and their sexuality, the child will develop a lack of respect and regard for the protection of their own bodies."

Both experts agree that children need to be taught about sex at an early age, especially since a new report reveals that girls, especially Black girls, are maturing and experiencing puberty at a much earlier age than previously thought.

The Journal of Pediatrics released a study recently that concluded earlier sexual maturation is occurring in American girls. The study revealed that "the onset of breast development occurred between 7 and 8 years for White girls, but between 6 and 8 years in African-American girls." The study also states that Black girls grow pubic hair and begin menstruation at a rate of two years earlier than Whites. The results of the study are loud and clear--the days of talking to your child about sex on his or her wedding night is long gone. Your child needs to know about love and sexual feelings now--and the parent who waits too long to discuss sex with his child risks becoming a grandparent way before his time.

Planned Parenthood spokesperson Chaunda Roseborough says that discussing sex with your child early is the best way to prevent unwanted incidents. The organization has released a new book, How to Talk With Your Child About Sexuality, which lists the following guidelines for what children should know about sex at certain stages in their development.

BIRTH TO 2: Babies learn early that touching their bodies and sex organs feels good. They should be allowed to do this. If parents try to stop them, they'll do it anyway, but will feel guilty about it. And babies will learn not to trust their parents later in life when they're seeking guidance about sexuality.

Dr. Paster adds that it's never too early to talk to your child about sex, especially since the child cultivates messages about sex and love based on family interactions when they are very young. "Parents have to realize that they're talking about sex even if they don't mention genitals," she says. "You are communicating attitudes about sex from the time the child is born, so parents need to accept the fact that sex is normal and positive, and this will be the basis for their children to develop mature relationships with other people."

3 TO 5: By age 3, kids should learn that men and women have different sex organs. Talk about them the same way you would discuss fingers and toes. Always use the scientific names for sex organs instead of slang or street words. There is a very important reason for not using nicknames for sex organs, according to Dr. Smith: "If you use nicknames, it sends out early messages that there's something wrong with sex," he says. Additionally, at this stage, children are curious about other people's bodies. They may begin to ask where babies come from, so keep answers simple by saying something like, "Babies grow in a special place inside the mother." Dr. Paster agrees that honesty is the best policy when dealing with a preschooler. "A lot of times when preschoolers see other parents who are pregnant, you shouldn't invent fairy tales [about where the baby comes from]. Just casually mention that Sherry's mother is going to have a baby. It's amazing the kind of theories that children develop themselves, so you should talk about it with them correctly."

5 TO 7: Children are beginning to realize their own femininity and masculinity, which is why it is common for them to say they hate children of the opposite gender. Most of them have also heard about AIDS, rape, and child abuse, and they wonder about these things even if they are too shy to talk about it. Therefore, it's important to discuss these issues with your child, and television or headlines in newspapers can help to spark conversation. Also, most kids this age touch their sex organs for pleasure. Says Dr. Paster: "Teach your child that it's okay to have feelings, that our bodies have natural feelings and these are good feelings; do not connect sex with bad or naughty prohibition, because that leads to curiosity, testing out and experimentation. Age 5 or 6 is not too early to talk about these issues because children have to be prepared for these things."