What You Should Tell Your Child About SEX and LOVE

Ebony, Feb, 2000

8 TO 12 (Pre-teens): Children are fascinated with the way their bodies change at this stage, so it's common for them to look at and touch other's sex organs: This is one of the ways they learn that they are normal. Boys and girls should learn about sex and reproduction, and should be given information about sexual and social relationships. Preteens should learn about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), birth control, the consequences of teen pregnancy and all the facts about menstruation, wet dreams, and other signs of maturation.

13 AND OVER: Teens should know that abstinence is the only 100 percent effective way to prevent pregnancy and STDs, but they should also learn about available forms of birth control. The teenage years often have parents wracked with fear, explains Dr. Paster: "Parents get anxious and are so worried about experimentation, molestation and premature pregnancy that they become traumatized," she says. "When I talk about sex with my children, I impart my attitude and my values to them through my knowledge. We have open lines of communication, so if my children have questions, they know that they can come to me and we can discuss it around the dinner table."

Ultimately, the attitudes and behaviors that children adopt about sex and love are dependent on what they are taught from their parents. However, most parents are uncomfortable with the notion of candidly teaching their children about the "birds and the bees" because their parents skirted the issue of sex as well. According to L. Paster, when it comes to talking about sex, parents would rather adopt the fabled survival tactic of the ostrich, which buries its head in the sand in an attempt to become invisible to its predators.

"I think that many parents would like it [sex] to go away--if they don't mention it, the child will not be presented with that interest," she reveals. "Also many parents don't know how to communicate about sex with their children because they don't have a [sexual] informational background other than warnings of not to get themselves or someone else pregnant."

Communication is a necessary element to nurturing a healthy, wholesome attitude about sex and love with your child, but as with everything else in the world, talk is cheap. Your positive words about sex may fall on deaf ears if you are not a living example for your child, according to experts.

"Most children follow models, not what is said, and the primary model are family members," Dr. Paster says. "What that means is that single parents should not expose their children to their sexual behaviors."

Dr. Smith warns that single parents must be especially careful about their relationships, and what they say to their children concerning the opposite sex.

"The stereotypes that we develop about each other are based on what we are exposed to. If a single parent has a different partner coming to the house two or three times a year, what happens is that their children will set their attitudes about relationships based on what they see that parent doing.