What You Should Tell Your Child About SEX and LOVE

Ebony, Feb, 2000

"Furthermore, if children grow up in a home where a woman says, `men are dogs,' or `your father is dumb, he doesn't know nothing,' then they will grow up thinking men are dumb and stupid. If little boys grow up seeing their mother being used by different men, then they will believe that men are supposed to use women; and little girls will grow up with the belief that women are to be used," he explains.

In a nutshell, children must be taught early on that although sex and love can coexist, they are definitely not one and the same.

"In some situations, when children don't have the support of a loving environment, they start looking for love in all the wrong places, and they will begin to equate love with sex," Dr. Smith says. "And like Tina Turner says, `What's love got to do with it?' Sex has nothing to do with love."

Homes headed by a two-parent household also serve as a basis for what a child is taught about sex and affection, because initially, children learn their attitudes about love from what they see their parents do.

"The most stoic statement a parent can make to his child is the positive examples that he sets," says Dr. Smith. "If mom and dad are in a healthy, wholesome relationship, they pick up on that, and if there is a violent relationship, they pick up on that as well. If the parents are kissing and affectionate, the children are sometimes embarrassed by it, but they pick up on it. And they will be affectionate because that's what they are accustomed to. However, if children don't see affection as they are growing up, then their attitudes about relationships are warped."

Dr. Smith adds that the most effective way to nurture children into a healthy, loving adulthood is to let them know how much you love them.

"We teach children how to love based on how we love them, and one of the best ways to build self-esteem in our children is to tell them that we love them every day, and the love that we have for them is unconditional."

RELATED ARTICLE: 10 Tips for talking to you child about SEX

1 Discuss sexuality often and in a matter-of-fact way. "Parents need to find situations to bring the topic up," Dr. Paster says. "Don't wait until your child is in a ninth-grade health class to discuss sex."

2 Try not to lecture or rush through a sex discussion; give kids time to digest information and ask questions.

3 Use correct terminology for all body parts; do not use nicknames because it sends the message that sex is dirty and secretive.

4 Take your child to the zoo. "In the 4-H club, the kids would learn about intimacy and relationships based on farm animals," Dr. Smith quips. "They would watch the animals and learn about the breeding and interaction between animals; they walked away learning more about relationships than we could ever imagine." Dr. Paster agrees: "Parents should have their young children observe animals; they should comment on these natural behaviors. This will be something that can be talked about for the duration of their child's development."