Expert Advice on Love and Relationships - Brief Article

Ebony, Feb, 2000

`Should I continue to have sex with a man who wants no future with me?'

Q I am 35, divorced, and have a 13-year-old son and a 10-year-old daughter. I am very much in love with a man who is 43 years old. I just recently divorced my husband six months ago in hopes of being with the man I've been having an affair with the past 10 years. This man I'm in love with was married too, but left his wife to move in with another woman. He told me his divorce was final and he knows mine is also final, so we still see each other from time to time, only to have sex. We never discuss any plans to get married or just live with each other. I have written him several letters trying to explain my feelings and hopes for us, but I get no response. By the way, he also has three children, one with the same first name as one of mine. Should I continue to have "sex only" with a man who doesn't want a future with me and my children? S.B., Waco, Texas

A Certainly not. However, it is clear that sex behind closed doors is all your noncommittal lover wanted when the two of you were married to your respective spouses. You've been had. You've been played. You've been treated like a fool. You should have known it was over when your lover divorced his wife and moved in with another woman. If he was interested in a future with you, he would have made that clear by now. Like in so many similar situations, he was interested in having an affair with you while you both were married, but he has no interest in making a commitment to you. You would have fared better if you had figured this out before you left your husband. So now you have no husband and no lover. However, you can learn from your mistake. Have nothing else to do with this man who jilted you. Though you may be heartbroken, get yourself together and make a new life for yourself and your children. Read books and get counseling to build your self-esteem. You will meet other men. Just make sure the next time you get involved you choose someone who has your best interest at heart.

Q I am 34 years old with three small kids, and I've been dating this guy on and off for the past two years. He has all the qualities a woman could want in a man. He's also good to my kids and will do anything I ask of him, including bringing me his whole paycheck. I know he loves me; it shows. But I have no feelings for him at all, and I tell him this all the time. It's like it goes in one ear and out the other. He says, "Give it a chance." I really wish with all my heart that I could learn to love him, because he's so good to me, and I know he would make me happy. I have been hoping my feelings will change, but he's just not my type of guy, and I can't understand why I can't grow to love this man. I think the only reason I'm sticking around is because he loves to spend that money. A. W., Baltimore, Md.

A No credible marriage counselor would advise you to marry a man you do not love. Marriage is difficult enough with all of its ups and downs and numerous challenges. Without love, it hard to imagine how you could be a good spouse and put forth a sincere effort to make the relationship work. Some women admit that they did not love their husbands when they first married them but did indeed grow to love them over the years. However, that's taking a big chance. If you truly don't love this man, then you should stop seeing him and stop spending his money. By ignoring your true feelings, you both are setting yourselves up for big heartaches and possibly legal troubles down the road.

Q I am a young Black female with 5-year-old daughter I am raising alone, due to her father going to prison when she was four months old. Her father and I vowed to stay together and get married, but after only two years, he asked me not to wait for him. So I didn't. I met a woman, and we have been dating for about a year now. She's great. We hang out, spend time, the whole nine yards, plus she loves my daughter. Basically we are always together and we are very much in love. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I'm 23, I have a good job, a beautiful kid and a new love--but I'm worried about our future, especially my daughter's. When the the time comes, I don't know how to explain the situation appropriately. Also, I don't want my daughter to look at me differently, or for others to judge her because of my decisions. I just want to be normal, like any other family, and I know it's hard. But I love myself, my daughter and my girlfriend. So why is it so hard for me to find peace when I'm happy and only want the best? Please help. Kansas City, Mo.

A Clinical psychologist Dr. Joyce Hamilton Berry of Washington, D.C., recommends that you seek psychotherapy to determine if this is truly your sexual orientation. She explains that when she counsels lesbians, she places them in two categories--natural lesbians and adapted lesbians. Dr. Berry calls "adapted lesbians" those who have been in loving relationships with men; however, because they have had difficulty with men, they have turned to women. "Natural lesbians know from approximately age 6 that they are attracted to women," explains Dr. Berry. "The fact that you say you can't find peace is a tip-off that you may not be sure about or comfortable with your new sexual orientation," she adds. "If you are convinced that you are a lesbian, then answer your child's questions as they arise. You write that you want a normal family. Your family might not be comprised of a male, female and children, but you are a family in the sense that there are two adults who love and protect the children in the unit."