6 Ways To Become A Better Lover & Friend

Ebony, Feb, 2001 by Zondra Hughes

SILENCE is not golden when it comes to your love life, and couples who avoid the issue condemn themselves to a life of frustration. A recent University of Chicago study found that the majority of Americans are dissatisfied in their love lives and many don't do anything about it. "At some point in their lives, every American will confront sexual dysfunction," the study indicates. The dysfunctions studied include lack of desire and performance anxieties.

Brace yourself. According to this study and others, African-Americans, when compared to Whites and Hispanics, are suffering the most in the bedroom. And although many Brothers may not consider this body of research to be true, the surprise of all surprises is that Black women top the list of those experiencing, according to some studies, sexual dysfunction. Sisters are much more likely to experience low sexual desire and to report less pleasure from sex than their White counterparts, according to the study. On the other end of the spectrum, Hispanic women consistently reported the most satisfying love lives.

There are good reasons why many Black women, as the Rolling Stones put it, "can't get no satisfaction," explains Paris M. Finner-Williams, a Detroit psychologist and attorney who operates a relationship counseling practice with her husband, Robert D. Williams.

Dr. Finner-Williams concludes that Black women are working double time doing the small things, and thus their love lives have suffered. She refers to it as the warm heart/cold bed syndrome. "Black women have far more activities, responsibility and pressures in their lives, to the point that having sex becomes the last thing on their list of obligations and responsibilities to fulfill," she explains. "The dysfunction may arise because of emotional issues, and stress. Then add our poor eating and health habits--no wonder we're just fatigued when our partners come into the room. Making love and feeling good is a gift that all Sisters must be sure to give themselves."

For these Sisters, and a large number of Brothers, the burning question remains: "How do I become a better lover and a better friend to my partner?" It's quite obvious that maintaining a positive, supportive friendship with a loved one is never easy. But experts say there are six surefire ways to become a better lover and friend. But before you get started, there are three things you should consider: 1) There may be physiological reasons for the difficulties, and individuals who experience these or other physical problems should consult their doctor. 2) The true definition of good loving is whatever the couple involved considers it to be. 3) The art of lovemaking is just that, an art. It requires a little bit of patience, a little bit of creativity, and a whole lot of open communication.

Six Ways To Become A Better Lover & Friend

1. Communicate your desires. Open, honest and constructive communication is the mother of total relationship satisfaction, explains New York therapist Dorothy Strauss.

"Tell your partner, `I want to make you happy, and of course, I want you to make me happy,'" advises Dr. Strauss. "Don't do it in a tone of voice that sounds like anger, disappointment or frustration. Then discuss in specific terms, if necessary, what you would like your partner to do that he or she is not doing." To derail high-emotions, or embarrassment, both partners should be in a relaxed situation, like at dinner, when this discussion takes place.

2. Be a true friend to your partner. The way you treat each other every day has great bearings on your love life, according to marriage and family therapist Robert Williams, co-author of Marital Secrets: Dating, Lies, Communication and Sex.

"Partners should provide comfort, care and sensitivity to each other," says Dr. Williams. "Don't play the blame game. It's important for couples to behave as partners and as friends with a sense of commitment." Adds Dr. Strauss: "If you're not a loving, warm, considerate person, how can you expect love to govern what goes on in your love life?"

3. Explore your fantasies. After you've made progress in communicating your needs, the next step is to disclose your fantasies to your mate, says Houston-area psychiatrist/therapist Marvin A. Stone.

"Fantasy exploration is powerful, and it's like living a video in your head," he says. "Everyone has a fantasy. It could be romantic, or charming, it doesn't have to be overtly sexual. The trick is for couples to find out what their core fantasies are, and to open up and express their fantasies to each other."

Experts advise couples to only participate in fantasies that complement each other and are an overall positive addendum to the sexual relationship.

4. Exercise together. Not only does exercise improve your overall health, it also promotes the peak performances of all of your vital organs, especially the heart and lungs. Improved muscle tone leads to heightened pleasure, according to a recent study by the University of California-San Diego. Other perks of exercise: It provides stamina, strengthens the cardiovascular system and raises testosterone levels in men.