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Can Men And Women Be Friends—And Nothing Else?
Ebony, Feb, 2001
Experts Say Attitude Is Key To Successful Platonic Relationships
SHE thinks he is funny and smart. He thinks she has a great personality, and understands him. He's the one she calls at 1:00 a.m., distraught because she just broke up with the guy she was seeing. She's the one on-call to respond to his inevitable personal crises.
They're platonic friends--at least for the moment. While the new century has brought with it a host of new rules in the interaction between men and women, the question still remains: Is a purely non-sexual relationship between members of the opposite sex possible? Or, in a society built around men and women pursuing fast friendships with the goal of physical and mental intimacy--and ultimately marriage--is it unrealistic to think that a friendship with a member the opposite sex can burn brightly without a romantic flame (or at least the thought of one) erupting in short order?
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Even with the best intentions, being friends with someone of the opposite sex can be filled with challenges and fuzzy areas that--if not handled correctly--can doom a relationship before it even really begins. And add to that the platonic relationships in which one person begins to have thoughts and feelings that aren't so platonic, and the result can be what has been called "an incredibly tricky, potentially explosive experience," which many times ends in hurt feelings, confusion, anger and bitterness.
It's a dilemma that is all too familiar to May Sy, 18, of Chicago. Sy says she has found that devoting too much attention to (spending too much time with) someone of the opposite sex more often than not ruins any potential for a friendship. She says she's never had a close male friend because, "I don't believe that a man and a woman can be close friends. It has never worked for me. You can be distant friends, if you only see each other every so often. But I don't think you can see each other every day without an attraction developing."
Relationship experts say that while there are plenty of horror stories out there, when honesty and mutual respect are present, sticky situations among friends can be worked out and can be very rewarding. Some women find that the most loyal, fun and easy-going friends are guys. Some men find that female friends give them perspective, add a certain calmness in their lives, and are good information resources when it comes to understanding females in general.
But even so, questions arise and questions have to be answered in every male/female friendship:
* Do male and female friends greet each other by kissing, hugging or simply shaking hands?
* When they go out together, do they call it a date? And who pays?
* Do platonic friends go to romantic movies to see such films as Love & Basketball together? And if they do, do they use each other's napkin to dab the corner of the other person's mouth? After all, popcorn can get messy with the butter and all.
Who knows, innocent butter-blotting can turn into much more as a person's initial desire to simply have a friend eventually turns out to be a desire for an intimate relationship. It may take months, or even years, for one friend to develop feelings for the other, and it may take just as long for true feelings to be expressed. But while the time frame may vary, one thing's fairly clear: These feelings usually don't hit both people at the same time. There's no magical moment when background music starts to play and two friends embrace in a passionate kiss and suddenly realize that they have been living a lie.
In real life, these feelings are often only felt by one person, who many times is so fearful of rejection, so fearful of being fed a plethora of lines like, "I like you too much for a relationship" or "I don't look at you in that way" or "You're like a brother (sister) to me" or "I'm just not ready for a relationship, right now" or "I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize our friendship" or "I don't want to lose what we have as friends" that he or she suppresses the truth, suppresses the fact that her glowing face, his great personality, her femininity, or his strength--the things that probably prompted the two to become friends in the first place--are the same qualities that one or the other is seeking in a mate.
William July, author of Understanding the Tin Man and Brothers Lust in Love, says that invariably problems arise when people attempt to disguise emotional desires as friendship. "In this day and age, there are more instances of men and women being friends, and being good friends. The question is whether there is some sort of attraction there," he says. "There are so many people who aren't being honest with themselves. With single people, a lot of times friendships are in a sort of gray area. These are friendships that at any time can transmute into a relationship. It's those gray areas that have to go. Either pursue a more intimate relationship or drop your newly acquired friend like a bad habit, and get on with your life, because you're never going to be true platonic friends."
