10 things men wish women knew - Sisterspeak - Brief Article - Column

Ebony, Feb, 2002 by Laura Randolph Lancaster

THIS year I'm going to flip the script. Do a total turnaround. A complete about-face. Loyal readers of this page know that, in years past, a fair number of February columns have been devoted to a single subject: Valentine's Day gift-giving advice for Brothers. That advice has ranged from the remedial (though I've said it a thousand times, it still bears repeating: An appliance is never--not ever--an appropriate Valentine's Day gift; I don't care how many times she's told you she needs a new blender/toaster/vacuum) to the advanced (hats off to the gentleman who surprised his beloved with first-class airline tickets to Paris and, after a cruise down the Seine, dropped to one knee and proposed at the foot of the Eiffel Tower).

But as I said earlier, this year's column has nothing to do with Valentine's Day gift-giving advice for Brothers. This year's column is a Valentine's Day gift to Brothers. At the request of a number of male friends, this year I'm devoting this column to Valentine's Day gift-giving advice for Sisters. It's gift-giving advice, however, with a twist. A "Y" chromosome twist.

That's because, as every Brother I spoke with acknowledged, most women have the gift-giving thing down cold. As a rule, Sisters are experts in the art of bestowing and bequeathing. We're world-class purveyors of great presents because we understand what makes a present great: It not only demonstrates a unique and comprehensive knowledge of the recipient (favorite color/exact size/personal taste), it also reflects considerable generosity, creativity and style.

And that's terrific if what you want for Valentine's Day is something that can be purchased. But, as my male friends made clear to me, store-bought gifts aren't what a lot of Brothers want. Really want. If I understand them correctly, there are some things that, on the male-gotta-have-it list, rank much higher than any "thing" that can be bought and boxed. Some gestures that say "I love you" in ways no items a woman could ever buy him could. Some acknowledgments and awarenesses that, more than any store-bought gift, are tonic to a man's soul.

If my informal survey of a fair number of my male friends is any indication, it's these things--these all-too-rare and specific gestures, acknowledgments, and awarenesses--that, if the straight-no-chaser truth be known, a lot of Brothers really want for Valentine's Day. Far more than any gift you could buy, however generous, spectacular or inspired. Let me stop here, lest I be accused of not telling the entire truth, and mention the two notable exceptions to this rule: Courtside seats to any game in which Michael Jordan is playing; and (2) VIP passes to any event at which Halle Berry is attending.

That said, because it is indeed the thought that counts, the following are 10 important things men wish women knew. No, not just knew. Understood. Accepted. Believed. But more than anything, acted on. Not just on Valentine's Day. Every day.

1. Men love to be complimented. Sincerely, however, not artificially. You can't, for instance, say "I love what you've done with your apartment" if it looks like a dorm room. In a frat house.

2. Sunday equals sports. Not one game. Not two games. All the games.

3. Say what you think/ want/feel. Straight up. No hints, no insinuations, no clever allusions. Men don't do subtle. They're just not hard-wired that way.

4. When it comes to makeup, less is more.

5. When it comes to making love, more is more.

6. Frequent compliments about his talents/abilities/allures coupled with regular disregard of his shortcomings/ limitations/faults are to a man what diamonds are to a woman: remarkable, extraordinary, incomparable treasures.

7. Honest, open, undisguised desire (read: making him feel as though you want him so badly that you can hardly remember your name) is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

8. A TV screen can never be too big. It's the room that's too small.

9. Flirting is sexy. Teasing is cruel. Do not confuse the two or serious, long-lasting hard feelings could ensue.

10. When in doubt, about what to give him for any special occasion -- birthday, anniversary, just-because-it's-Tuesday-and-I-want-to-say-I-love-you--remember what F. Scott Fitzgerald said: "The greatest gift you can give anyone is to see them exactly as they wish to be seen."