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Finding your sensual side: how to go from serious to wow! - and dull

Ebony, Feb, 2003 by Kimberley Davis

WHATS the matter, girlfriend? Has your dating life hit a dry spell? Are things a bit too boring for your comfort? Then perhaps you need to make a move from Sister Serious to Seriously Sensual.

Relationship experts say you're only as appealing as the vibes you radiate. And if your vibe screams "stay away" in flashing neon, you may be in need of a sensual energy boost.

Let's start with the basics. Sensuality is defined as the quality of being pleasing to the senses. It's all about the body and senses as opposed to the mind and intellect. We're talking taste, touch, sight, smell and sound.

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Sensuality is about feeling about yourself and not being ashamed of enjoying sensual things. It's the way you move, the way you look and the way others see you. It's the timbre of your voice or the trill of your laugh. It's the scent that lingers after you've left a room. It's about being open to new possibilities and having the faith to step outside of the box.

"Some people radiate sensuality," says radio host and relationship therapist Audrey B. Chapman, author Seven Attitude Adjustments for Finding a Loving Man: The Black Woman's Guide to Finding the Man of Her Dreams. "They walk into a room, they don't even open their eyes--it's just there. It's almost pulsating off their bodies."

In a word, being sensual starts with confidence--being comfortable in your own skin. With that self-awareness comes a greater understanding of your "sense appeal."

Sensuality comes naturally to some women. Others don't have it and don't know how to get it. Relationship experts say that what gets in the way is a society that sometimes tells women that being sensually aware automatically makes you a woman of loose morals, a Jezebel or "hoochie."

The first step in overcoming this obstacle to sensuality is to toss away those old stereotypes and focus on how you feel for a change. You really need to get in tune with your body and embrace what makes you feel good, says Rosie Milligan, a counselor, author and publisher from Los Angeles. Being confident isn't simply knowing yourself, it's also loving yourself. As that confidence begins to take root in your life, you may begin to exude the kind of sensuality that appeals to others.

"For Black women it's a little difficult because we are the only women who have been so put down about our sexual selves," says Milligan, author of Satisfying the Black Man Sexually Made Simple. "What women have to understand is that it's OK to get in touch with themselves. But it's also very hard because there has been a shame placed on us from a sexual standpoint."

Sisters also have to understand that sensuality is not always about sexuality. While certain areas of the two overlap and sensuality can be a key to good sexual expression, sexuality is not the only area for sensual expression.

"Sex is the actual act of doing something sexual," says Chapman, a radio talk show host in Washington, D.C. "You can be sensual and not do anything sexual. Ever. And that's the difference."

By focusing your energy, just about anything can be a sensual experience. Sensuality can include eating explosively flavorful foods like chocolate, oysters or chilies; meditating; being massaged with essential oils; wearing clothes with certain texture; relaxing in a luxurious bath; listening to music: dancing; yoga; pleasing fragrances from flowers, aromatherapy candles, perfume or a natural scent--just about anything. The crucial point is to make sure you experiment to find out what pleases you, and then go after it.

Once you go after your sensual self it's important that you don't force it. If you try to force yourself to do or feel something that isn't there, it appears insincere. Expressing your sensuality shouldn't be a task, it should be a pleasure. Be willing to risk knowing yourself. Search for sources to help you determine who you are. Chapman suggests self-help books or articles, personal or group counseling, seminars or even your friends and family. If there's a man in your life, you may even want to think about going into counseling with him. You have to build a firm foundation for exploring your sensual side.

"Underneath good sensuality is high self-esteem and confidence," Chapman says. "Without those two things, it's pretty difficult to get to that point."

Finding Your Sensuality In A Relationship

Once you've started to radiate a sensual awareness, it's time to start focusing on the man in your life. A sensual relationship is one that is calm, centered, romantic and loving. You don't have to give up the wild side, but you can express your love or interest in a way that is deeper than sex.

1. Give your partner visual cues by using your eyes and body to stimulate his senses. Dare to be bold and step outside your comfort zone in a sexy outfit that will surprise him--and you!

2. Candles can help set the perfect mood. Studies have shown that men enjoy the smell of vanilla and lavender. Try scented candles, a new perfume or go with your natural scent to see how he likes it. Guys respond to the smell of cinnamon buns, doughnuts and pumpkin pie. So, you may think about turning on the oven.

Finding your sensual side: how to go from serious to wow! - and dull

Ebony, Feb, 2003 by Kimberley Davis

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