Sisters, beware! The 5 forbidden fruits

Ebony, Feb, 2004 by Zondra Hughes

SOME Sisters choose to steer clear of forbidden fruit--that fine, physically and financially fit Brother who, due to obvious circumstances, is better left alone. But some can resist everything but temptation.

Relationship experts, and the Sisters who've been there and back, say that in most cases, these Sisters soon find out that the odds are stacked against them.

And they warn that if your love interest fails under one of the following forbidden categories, you're flirting with disaster:

THE 5 FORBIDDEN FRUITS

1. THE MARRIED MAN

For the sake of fairness, there are essentially three types of married men that a Sister-girl could come across. Type A: The married, but legally separated Brother who is, along with his wife, making tangible moves to dissolve the marriage and handle the responsibilities in the most expeditious and respectful manner possible; Type B: The married Brother who strays every now and then and has absolutely no intention of leaving his wife; and then there's Type C: The very married Brother who has no intention of leaving his wife, but engages in outside relationships and leads his mistresses to believe that he will soon be ending the marriage.

Relationship therapists report that tens of thousands of Sisters are on standby--some waiting for years, and some waiting forever--for Type C to keep his promise, pack up and leave the homestead, and find a "happily ever after" with them.

But some women aren't interested in a serious relationship and would rather date a married man, says Charlotte, N.C., psychologist Elaine Stevens, who is the author of The Readiness Factor: Preparing Yourself for the Ultimate Relationship.

"Married men are so romantic, charming and generous; they just pour it on because they want this extramarital affair," Dr. Stevens explains. "And some women don't care if he leaves his wife or not because they're too busy for a relationship. Their career is important, their children are important, and they may just want someone to spend time with every now and then."

But Atlanta-area motivational speaker Brittian Wilder, author of Understanding the Games that Men Play, warns that no matter the circumstances, getting involved with a married man is a painful waste of time.

"If you get involved with a married man, it's always bad," Wilder argues. "He's [hypocritical] because he cheats on his wife but expects his mistress to be faithful to him. And in many cases, he can be controlling, especially if he's supporting you financially. It's a dead-end situation."

2. MR. LOVERMAN

You knew he was trouble the moment you laid eyes on him--Mr. Smooth Operator, aka Mr. Playboy.

Perhaps you've heard about the other women, or, if he's really on top of his player's game, he may have told you about the others, and that you were just one of several Sisters who are on his speed dial.

And you took the challenge.

Armed with your love, devotion and down-home country cooking, you set out to change him. You were determined to make him a one-woman man for good.

But before you even get in the relationship rat race, warns Los Angeles-area psychologist Yvonne Thomas, you should know this: Men who have a stable of women are not interested in settling down, and there's nothing that you can say or do that will change that fact.

"Some men compartmentalize their lives where they are able to [have relationships with] various women, but they cannot commit themselves to one woman because it's too emotionally scary," Dr. Thomas explains. "So some of these men are saying to women, 'Look, I'll give you 10 percent of my time, take it or leave it.' And some lonely women are saying, 'I'll take it!'"

Dr. Stevens agrees, adding that some women are duped into falling in love with an unattainable Brother who, unknown to them, has a deep-seated fear of commitment.

"A really bad man to get involved with is the commitment-phobe," Dr. Stevens says. "We're drawn to him because he acts like a normal person, until you get too close to him. Then he will begin to pull away and treat you differently. And he ends up breaking your heart."

3. YOUR BEST FRIEND'S MAN

In the game of love, truth is stranger than fiction sometimes. Take Michelle (not her real name), for example. The New Jersey-area postal worker found out that her fiance and her best friend were double-crossing her because the best friend accidentally complained: "Your man is cheating on us!"

"My girl told me that she saw my fiance at the movies with another woman," recalls Michelle. "I got really [upset], of course. But I was really hurt when she started cussing about him, too. She blurted, 'How can he do us like that?!'"

Michelle dumped them both.

Behavior specialists say that in many cases, the back-stabbing best friend is facing some self-esteem issues and may want to steal her friend's man because she doesn't feel that she deserves a man of her own.

"A lot of these [forbidden relationships] have common roots, which is low self-esteem," says Dr. Thomas of Los Angeles. "Some women get involved in these triangle situations because they don't feel that they're good enough to have their own man. They feel that they just don't deserve a whole man to themselves."