Sister speak

Ebony, Feb, 2005 by Lynn Norment

YES, love is abundant and thriving in 2005, and it will continue to prosper whenever and wherever it can take root.

With Cupid's pheromone wafting as the big day approaches, I am reminded of the glory and glow of new love. Which brings to mind the hurt and disappointment that often accompany this complex, mind-boggling, life-altering emotion. Unfortunately, the many foolish things that Sisters do for love, or to get a man, also come to mind.

Being a realistic romantic (an oxymoron perhaps), I feel that the Valentine's Day season is a good time to assess the state of love, to take a look at the facts and fables, the myths and realities of this uncontrollable emotion that creates so much commotion and confusion, and sometimes joy and happiness.

Myth: Love will tame and change a man, especially if the sex is good.

Reality: Love will not change a man, regardless of how good the sex might be. Many otherwise bright Sisters have failed to accept this reality. Far too often great sex is mistaken for love. The truth comes out when the passion subsides and the rituals of daily life reveal that the couple has little in common. A Sister sometimes falls in love with a man who is unscrupulous, lazy, a philanderer, an underachiever, a poor father, etc., and she assumes that her love (or sex) will transform him into an honest, faithful, successful man and great father. Be real! Those character flaws often are too deeply ingrained to buff out.

Myth: If I can only get a man, everything will be right in my life and I will be happy.

Reality: A man is not your key to eternal happiness. Women who feel that their dreary lives will be transformed if they just can get a man to love them are often disappointed. You are the key to your own happiness. If you are fortunate enough to have a good man, then enjoy happiness with him. Live your life with your man, not through your man or for your man. Live your life for yourself.

Myth: You can change the stripes on a gay Brother, or your sex is so good he will not want any other man or woman.

Reality: You may be his flavor of the month, but if a man is gay, you are not going to change his sexual behavior. And if the Brother is on the down-low (that is, he sleeps with both men and women but calls himself heterosexual), you are not going to change him. Down-low author J.L. King emphasizes that point.

Myth: There aren't enough good men to go around, so dating a married man (or any man) is better than no man at all.

Reality: Dating a married or otherwise committed man is never the solution. More times than not, the outcome is disastrous for the woman, though it might be great for the man. Take your time and choose wisely. Choose the wrong man and you will soon long for your peaceful "man-less" days and nights.

Myth: If I get pregnant, he will fall in love and marry me.

Reality: Not necessarily. Women have been playing that game for as long as men and women have been mating. In some rare cases, that might happen, but history has shown that plan doesn't really work.

Myth: The sooner I have sex with him, the sooner he will fall in love with me.

Reality: If you have sex with him before he gets to know and respect you as a person, he will enjoy your body and move on to a real challenge, whom he considers to be a real woman.