The Ebony advisor: expert advice on love and relationships

Ebony, Feb, 2005

Q

I was in a monogamous relationship for 4 1/2 years. He was the perfect mate. We never had disagreements or fights. Things became distant within a month. That's when a girlfriend of his from 20 years ago came to town. Boom! He told me he was still in love with her. He said he had never stopped loving and wanting to be with her. I was devastated. Sometimes I feel like I just want to die. To make things worse, we work together, but don't speak now. I have taken a month's leave from work. I do not know what happened. Please help before I lose my mind.

Near breakdown in Michigan

A

It appears that while your relationship may have looked stable and secure, there obviously were some feelings, issues and concerns that were not being addressed. Dr. Bronwen L. Millet, a clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C., says: "It is my belief that your ex-partner is in love with a fantasy he has carried for many years, a fantasy that has not been clouded by the day-to-day drudgery. If this relationship occurred 20 years ago, there may have also been simplicities in your ex's life that make this fantasy even more difficult to let go of." To start the healing process, Dr. Millet says it is most important that you know that his decision had nothing to do with you and everything to do with your ex's inability to give up a fantasy. You will eventually find peace because, believe it or not, time heals all wounds.

Q

I found out my husband was cheating on me when he became infected with a sexually transmitted disease (STD). Now we must go through a battery of tests. Is this my fault? Why didn't I see this? Were there signs to tell me my husband was cheating all along? What do I do now? How can this be repaired? He not only put his life in danger, but mine, too. His indiscretions have cost us unbelievable hurt and damage, and God knows what else. We're taking HIV tests in a couple of days.

Hurting in New Jersey

A

You are right to be angry about your husband's carelessness in exposing you to an STD; and you are smart to get tested for HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. But it seems that your marriage was in trouble long before your husband's cheating was revealed. More often than not, cheating is a symptom of a troubled relationship. But don't blame yourself. If you want to stay with him, go to couple's counseling to explore the issues that fractured your marriage. Through counseling, the questions you've raised will be answered. If you decide to leave your husband, seek individual therapy to help you work through issues of anger, betrayal and other emotions, so that you will be able to notice signs of trouble in the future.

Q

My son is 2 1/2 years old and his father hasn't been there for him, but he kept in contact with us. However, all of a sudden, he began to totally deny our son. He claims that our son doesn't resemble him and the timing of conception is wrong. He would like to take a paternity test, which I have my problem with. Should I revoke his parental rights when the results reveal he is indeed the father? Would it be wise to just receive child support only?

Confused in New York

A

The most important thing is the welfare of your child. That means going to court and (if he continues to reject being the father) possibly a paternity test. Do it for your son; he deserves the love and support of both parents. That also means putting aside the issues with your son's father. At this point, don't revoke his parental rights. Once he finds out (through the paternity test) that the child is his, he may prove to be a good father.