Older Can Be Better - dating older men

Ebony, March, 1999 by Lynn Norment

IN recent months, there has been much hullabaloo about the virtues of women dating and marrying younger men. Terry McMillan's popular book and the subsequent movie, How Stella Got Her Groove Back, have inspired women around the globe to seek out and openly praise the positives of younger men.

Yet, a persistent chorus can be heard from in-the-know females who assert what we all have assumed or known for decades, even centuries: The older man has many desirable qualities that should not be overlooked by today's Black woman.

"I've always preferred older men," says Ray Wilburn, a juvenile counselor in Bolivar, Tenn., who is divorced and the mother of an adult son. "Older men make you feel special; they give you everything you need. They give you so much attention, and they make you feel wanted and needed. Older men give you respect. They make you feel like a queen."

Many women agree. And while the older woman-younger man relationship is a controversial, relatively modern phenomenon, the younger woman-older man union is and long has been more of the norm as far as romantic matches go. To some, it is what is expected. To many, it is not at all unusual.

Through the centuries it has not been uncommon for women to marry men old enough to be their fathers. There are many examples from Biblical times, and throughout European and African history there are prominent illustrations. In most civilizations this kind of union was acceptable and encouraged. Men prided themselves in getting the youngest, purest-looking women they could find; it was a symbol of prestige and power and manhood. In addition, society traditionally dictates that men should be the providers, the leaders, the heads of the household.

These days, as they have done throughout the centuries, women are realizing or rediscovering that when it comes to men, older can be better, and it often is just that. Many women dismiss the advances made by younger men because they feel that youthful pursuers don't have as much to offer as their older counterparts. "I don't have time to raise another child," Ray Wilburn says of younger men. "I want somebody who is already mature, who knows who he is and what he wants. A lot of younger men expect the older woman to take care of them, and I'm not going to do that. That's not my style. I'm from the old school."

Like Wilburn, women give numerous reasons why they prefer older men. One reason cemented in time and tradition is that women usually prefer men who are financially stable, and in most cases the most financially secure men are those who are older men who are established. In past times when a teenage girl married an older man, it was somewhat influenced by the fact he already had establish himself in a business or profession--or he had built up his farming business--and he was in a much better position to take care of his wife than men her own age.

Dr. Helen Davis Gardner, a Chicago psychiatrist who specializes in women's issues and relationships, says older men more often are more stable and more chivalrous, and women appreciate both qualities. "Older men know what they want in a relationship," she says. "They know what they want out of life. They can entertain, wine and dine a young woman--court her the old-fashioned way. They are not uncertain about themselves, as younger men sometimes can be. Some of my female patients say younger men still are trying to establish themselves," continues Dr. Gardner, a staff psychiatrist at Illinois Masonic Medical Center. "Older men have more time to devote to a relationship, while younger men are still struggling to find out who they are and to become more secure. Older men can help bolster a woman financially as well as bolster her self-esteem."

Women of all ages who prefer to date older men agree.

"I've dated several men who are about my age, but they just couldn't get it together;" says a 26-year-old Atlanta graphic artist. "I want a man who works just as hard as I do, who takes his career just as seriously as I do." She says she is now dating a man 15 years her senior and they have a "wonderful" relationship. "We have a lot to talk about. I don't even consider him `ok!.' We have loads of fun and the sex is great," she says.

In this and many other cases, money is not so much an inducement, as the maturity and social graces--the chivalry to which Dr. Gardner refers--that many older men offer. "The guys my age are so immature," says a secretary in Dayton, Ohio. "They don't know how to treat a woman, how to open doors and pull out chairs, how to help a woman with her coat. To me these things are just basic when it comes to a relationship."

Such treatment is also what Francine Williams prefers. When she met her husband sonic years ago at a dinner party, she was impressed with his social graces. "I picked up on his chivalry and manners the first night we met," says Williams, an IBM employee, in Indianapolis whose husband is 13 years older than she. "It was cold outside. When he walked me to my car, he took the scarf from around his neck and put it around mine. I liked the way he smelled. He is a very neat, clean type of person.