How To Please Your Man Without Losing Yourself - Brief Article

Ebony, March, 2001 by Lynn Norment

LIKE many women, you try to do it all. You work overtime on the job. You run yourself ragged to take the kids to and from their activities. You volunteer with your professional organization or a charity. And you try to maintain a meaningful relationship with your man.

There is only so much time in a day, only so many things you can do. After all, there is only one of you when you could use three.

Still, time and attention devoted to your man does not have to be the sacrificial lamb. Nor does your self-worth and individuality. Yes, it is possible to please your man and make him feel special without losing yourself. All it takes is love and commitment enhanced with thoughtfulness and creativity.

During these fast-moving times, many women (and men as well) spend a lot of time enhancing job skills or de-stressing with a hobby or in the gym. But few give much thought to how to keep the love alive. Without nurturing, relationships and marriages suffer.

By nature, women seem to have an extra gene for nurturing, and often the men in their lives are the beneficiaries. Many strong women know that caring for the men they love in no way takes away from their individual power or sense of self. When it is done because of love, women derive great pleasure from pleasing their man, from knowing that they are vital to another's well-being and happiness.

The key to being able to give to others is your own self-esteem, says Dr. Helen Davis Gardner, a psychiatrist at DuPage County Health Department and Illinois Masonic Medical Center in Chicago. "If you truly feel good about your inner self, that glow will reflect in your love for others. If you don't feel good about yourself, you can't openly support and nurture your man," she says. "Just as it takes time to nurture a flower or a child, relationships and marriages need the same time and attention if they are to grow and blossom."

Here are some things you can do to please the man in your life. In turn, your man will evolve into a more caring, sensitive lover and mate who will make sure you get the love that you need and deserve.

Show Your Appreciation.

Let your man know that you love and appreciate him. From time to time, tell him that you love him and the things he does for and to you. Sometimes a man just needs reassurance.

Communicate effectively.

Make time for you and your mate to sit and talk, really talk, on a regular basis. Get in the habit of updating him on what's going on in your life. Tell him the ups and downs of your day, but without complaining; ask if he had any interesting encounters, whether he met any new people. And when he's talking, let him finish his thought. Some people hardly hear what the other person is saying because they are so eager to take control of the conversation again. Exercise self-control. Listen to what your partner has to say. Learn to open up and share your wishes and hopes and dreams. Don't let your marriage turn into one in which spouses never have anything positive to say to each other.

There is plenty to be said, some of it in the bedroom. Use pillow-talk time not only to explore your hearts and busy lives, but also delve into what you like about each other, what attracted you to each other in the first place. Even though you may know or think you know what turns him on, ask sometimes. He may tell you something you didn't know.

Choose your arguments with care.

Perhaps you have heard of the books, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff and It's Small Stuff. Think about that the next time you feel a nag session coming on. Now that doesn't mean that you should accept verbal, emotional or physical abuse --or outright disrespect. But it is not necessary to make an issue out of everything.

Don't use quality time to nag and fuss. When you and your sweetheart are out on the town or simply enjoying each other at home, don't use this premium time together to discuss family problems or to correct all of his (or the relationship's) wrongs. And don't play therapist. You may know a thing or two about the human psyche, but don't use psychology lingo during your talks with your mate. It will only infuriate him.

Accept his flaws.

If you have been with your man for five years, you know the good, the bad and the ugly. Kindly, gently let him know that something he does drives you crazy, but accept the fact that he is the way he is. If he did it before you got married or committed to each other, then most likely he is going to continue to do it. Now if he's rude or crude and disrespectful, do what you can to help him change his bad habits, but in most cases, you can't remold the man you fell in love with.

Don't force your friends on your man, and vice versa.

Sure, you hung out with your girlfriend every weekend before you got married, but you now find your husband making snide comments about her frequent, unannounced visits. It is important that you distinguish between the roles that your partner or man and your friends play in your life.

No one should have to compete for your attention and affection. Your home is now his home, and he may tire of seeing Sue and Aisha lounging on the sofa--his spot--when he comes home from work. He may not want to spend every weekend hanging out with Kyle and Tisha. By being smart, you can lessen the tension at home without sacrificing your friendships. Rather than having your friends hang out at your home, ask them to meet you at a coffee shop or museum. Your man should not dictate who your friends are, but you should not force them on him either.