The biggest lies about Black male and female relationships

THE "happy Black couple." To some, that phrase seems like the ultimate oxymoron. That's because so many people buy into the notion that the battles between Black men and Black women are so fierce that maintaining a stable, committed relationship is virtually impossible. True enough, Brothers and Sisters often find themselves staring across a great divide that makes coupling up a challenge. Still, countless Black folks are hooking up and staying hooked up, defying the stereotypes and the mythology that says Black couples can't make it.

In fact, as Black and White scholars have demonstrated, Black family relationships were as stable and strong as Southern White households and Northern White ethnic households until the 1930s. Since that time, the situation has changed, primarily because of a lethal combination of racism, urbanization, unemployment and drugs. "What is astonishing under these circumstances," as one historian noted, "is not that some Black couples have problems, but that so many Black couples still love and give." These couples are all around us, and we can learn from them and from Black history how to identify--and how to defy--the biggest lies about Black male/female relationships.

On the following pages are some of the biggest myths associated with Black male/female relationships and some ways in which you can avoid falling into the emotional and mental traps that make these pitfalls seem too big to steer clear of.

1. Black Relationships/Marriages Don't Last

Many people accept this notion as fact despite the contrary evidence presented by the thousands of Black couples who each year celebrate marriages that have lasted 50 years or more. Jet magazine features them each week. They are couples like Lurline and Wendell Cotton of Garland, Texas. The Cottons, both 80, celebrated their 59th wedding anniversary on February 6.

Not only have the Cottons lived together for most of their lives, they worked together for nearly 40 years in Wendell Cotton's dental practice in California. Lurline Cotton served as her husband's office manager until the couple retired and moved to Texas in 1984. What's the key to their marital longevity? "Mutual respect," says Lurline Cotton, who had three sisters, each of whom also was married over 50 years. "You've got to have that respect for the other person. There are going to be hard times and some disagreements in a marriage. But when you have that respect, then you are allowed to be who you are and your partner is allowed to be who he is, and you can work through anything."

2. Black Male/Female Relationships Are Only About Sex

It's true that sex is a critical component in any marriage or committed relationship, but its significance as the only thing that cements Black male/female relationships is highly exaggerated. "Sex is important; every man will tell you that," says Dr. George Smith, a Chicago psychotherapist who has counseled more than 2,000 couples in relationship trouble. "But if sex is all you have holding your relationship together, you're in trouble because you don't have a true relationship."

Smith says he tries to show the couples he works with how to communicate and trust and support each another so that their relationship is about more than sex. More often than not, he's successful. He helps couples find the bonds and mutual goals that make their sexual relationship a sustainable partnership. "Any relationship of substance has to be based on trust and commitment and respect," he says. "If you have those things, you'll not only have a true partnership, you'll have great sex."

3. All Black Male/Female Relationships Are Filled With Arguments, Hardship And Pain

Love may hurt, but it doesn't have to, the experts say. Many Black couples in healthy and stable relationships can and do disagree without becoming disagreeable.

But the image of the constantly bickering Black couple has taken over popular thought to such a degree that most people assume it is the norm, says Tiy-E Muhammad, assistant professor of psychology at Clark Atlanta University. "Many people believe that couples must have dramatic occurrences--cursing at one another, being put out of the house, keying somebody's car--in order to appreciate one another," Muhammad says. "WRONG! It is very possible--in fact, it's the norm--for a couple to have a nice, respectful relationship without all of the drama that society is starting to make us believe is normal."

The way to avoid having your relationship dispute degenerate into screaming matches is to learn how to fight fair. Don't choose the moment of a dispute about money to hit your partner with a "low blow" about sexual performance or inattention to your emotional needs. "Make sure that what you're fighting about is really what you're mad about [at the time]," says Kathy Grant, a Miami marriage counselor. "When arguments blow up into huge, dramatic fights, there's more at work there than what people say they're arguing about. That's why constant communication is important."