The biggest lies about Black male and female relationships

Ebony, March, 2002

This only works if there is trust in the relationship. "You have to be secure in the feeling that your mate is operating in your best interest," says Dr. Grant. "But a lot of Black women have had experiences that may lead them to believe that every guy is trying to get over on them, and that's a hard barrier to get over. So men have to work hard to show them that they're deserving of that trust. It may take time and a lot of effort on the man's part to get through that barrier, but a lot of couples manage it."

Black women also must relinquish some control, especially on the home front, which many women see as their dominion. "Just because he doesn't feed the baby exactly the way you would or make dinner exactly the way you would, you don't just take that away from him or degrade his approach," advises Dr. Smith. "If you nurture him and show appreciation for the way he does-things, you're showing him respect and building up that trust in the relationship."

The bottom line is that Black couples do make it--more make it, in fact, than our society ever really acknowledges. And if more people followed the examples of the couples whose relationships do endure, and the tips from the experts who help struggling couples get over the hump, perhaps the myths about Black male/female relationships would fade--replaced by more stories like those of Lurline and Wendell Cotton, whose 59-year marriage is still going strong.

"It takes a commitment to what you're trying to build together," Lurline Cotton says. "But if you have the respect and th,e love, the commitment is a lot easier to maintain."