Finding a routine that works - Parenting

Ebony, March, 2002 by Glenn Jeffers

IT'S difficult enough for Blacks to climb the corporate ladder and break through the glass ceiling. Now imagine having to contend with the "Witching Hour," which is what Ammie Felder-Williams calls the three-hour period that starts the moment her three children dash into their home in New Rochelle, N.Y. From 4 p.m. to 7 p.m., her children are in all directions--eating snacks, starting homework and getting ready for their various after-school activities like basketball, hip-hop dance, swimming and tap dancing. The whirlwind ends once the homework is completed and dinner is on the table. That's followed by TV, computer time, phone time, baths, showers and, finally, bed.

Felder-Williams' husband, commercial litigator Paul T. Williams Jr., makes it home around bedtime most nights. He misses out on the "Witching Hour" because of the long hours he keeps as a partner at Bryan Cave, LLP, an international law firm, and his responsibilities as New York chapter president of 100 Black Men, an organization dedicated to raising the level of consciousness and responsibility of Black men. The children usually wake up to find a memo or two for them on the kitchen table, notes congratulating them on a good test score. "I leave the tests out and the stuff we need to discuss; I leave that out, and he'll see it," she says. "He'll leave a nice note, and I make sure they see it."

Run it like a company. That's the Williamses' plan. It's one that has produced amazing results in their daughters, 13-year-old Marlowe and 5-year-old Alexandra, and son, Paul III, 10. Through constant communication, hard work, and meticulous planning, the couple is able to stay active in their children's lives and to provide a solid two-parent family home, despite having their demanding careers.

The planning starts in January, when Williams and his wife actually check into a hotel for what they call a "mini-conference." There, the 16-year couple maps out their one-, five- and 10-year plans. It's during this time that the couple plan their family vacations, activities for the children, and map out their schedules and continuing career goals. "It sounds ridiculous, but it's like working for a corporation and you would go away for your yearly planning," Felder-Williams says. "We have a retreat."

It was during one retreat that the couple decided to give the children a well-rounded education, Williams says, including music lessons, swimming classes and getting involved with volunteer, civic and church-related projects. But because of Williams' workload and busy schedule, the couple decided to split the participation with the children, with Felder-Williams handling the bulk of the parental duties during the weekdays and her husband taking over on the weekends. Felder-Williams, who received her MBA and a master's degree in journalism at Columbia University, left her corporate job, got her Realtor's license and took a job that allowed her to set her own hours. The schedule allows her to pick up Alexandra from school and be at home when her husband and Marlowe arrive.

"It's an ideal solution," says Dr. Nancy Boyd-Franklin, a professor of psychology at Rutgers University in new Brunswick, N.J., and co-author of Boys Into Men: Raising Our African-American Teenage Sons, with her husband, Dr. A.J. Franklin. "Children need a high priority and parents need to make them that priority and try to adjust their job situation. But that's not always possible."

It's during the weekend that Williams becomes more involved. That's when he cooks breakfast, helps with homework and drives the kids to lessons and basketball games, while his wife works as an agent for the realty firm Marjorie Wohl, Town & Country. "She is responsible for the household," he says. "My responsibility is to support her effort and take a more direct approach over the weekends. We think it's important for both parents to be involved."

Planning and scheduling are critical for the parents. They set aside time where their children are their sole priority. "They have to think their plans through, and their back-up plans, very carefully," Dr. Boyd-Franklin says.

After going to church and during dinner, Sunday is a time when Williams and his wife begin to plan the next week of activities with the children, and find out how they're doing. And because some playful sibling rivalry has developed, the parents have instituted a new rule: "You have to say something nice about everyone at the dinner table."

It's the times when the entire family is together that are important to Williams, he says. He constantly worries that his presence is missed during the week because of work and that he isn't as involved as he should be. Though he makes it to parent-teacher conferences and other important events in the children's lives, he would prefer to spend more face time with them, he says. "It's rare that I can get home during the week where in time to get quality time with the kids," Williams says.

And with the two older children entering their teenage years, Williams and his wife say they want to remain in constant communication with their children, especially as they become more involved with peers, become interested in dating and face serious topics such as alcohol, narcotics, self-image and sex. The couple addresses those concerns through a number of measures.