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The Ebony advisor: expert advice on love and relationship

Ebony, March, 2005

Q I need to know what I should do about my sex life. I have been married for four years now and my husband and I don't have a great sex life. He wants to have sex a lot, but I don't. I don't feel romantically attracted to my husband. We have sex every now and again, but not as often as we should. We have no children, so that is not the problem. I guess if he were more romantic that would help, but he's not. What should I do? Help!

Seeking Romance in St. Louis

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A Communications is the key to mending a broken, less-than-satisfying sexual relationship. Find a moment when you both are in a good mood, and not preparing for bed, to bring up the topic. Tell him that you love him and want to please him, but that you personally need more romance and foreplay to make sex more enjoyable. Find appropriate books and look through them together. Talk about your fantasies and ask about his. Tell him what turns you on and what turns you off. If that doesn't work, then try counseling. Since you want to make your marriage work, both you and your husband should get marriage counseling. If he is not open to counseling, then you should go by yourself.

Q I am single and have dated a single man for eight years. He is kind to me, does nice things for me and takes me to fine dinners and on trips. We are both over 30. The problem is when we go out to affairs, he socializes at various tables--for 20 minutes or more--leaving me alone at our table. When we are walking together, he says "hello" to other women in passing. Once, on a trip, he spent over half an hour talking to a lady he knew. Later, she came by our suite, and then he walked her to her car and stayed with her over half an hour, leaving me upset. He says he did nothing wrong either time. I say it is disrespectful. I show and give him respect and honesty.

Old School in Baltimore

A YOU deserve respect and honesty in return. You may or may not be the jealous type, but it is clear that you do not trust this man. Consequently, you need to re-evaluate the relationship before you invest any more time with him. You mentioned that he is attentive to you in other ways, such as dinner outings and trips. Do these things mean more to you than having trust in him? If he doesn't understand (or care) that his attention to other women when he is with you is upsetting to you, then perhaps he is not as kind as you think he is. Respect has to be earned by both people. In your eyes, this man is disrespectful to you. Since you are the injured party, you can choose to continue to overlook his behavior or get out of the relationship. It's your call.

Q I am a single, independent mother of an 8-year-old boy. My longest relationship lasted a year and was with my son's father. That was eight years ago. My problem is that I have not been able to have a relationship that lasts past six months to a year. I seem to become disinterested and bored, or just tired of the guy. I've been told that I am not very romantic and I don't cuddle in bed. (I sometimes feel they are invading my space.) I want to marry one day. I am 29, and at this rate it's not looking good. Help!

Love And Leave Them

A You cannot hurry love. First, you must stop thinking that there is something wrong with you. You cannot force feelings that aren't there. Continue being a good mother and a strong, independent woman. Instead of looking for a man to complete your life, focus instead on becoming a whole person by yourself. Take interesting classes, develop hobbies, join clubs and organizations. And continue casual dating (but abstain from sex until you know the man well) and enjoying your life. When the time does come and you fall in love, you'll be ready.

The EBONY Advisor is a question-and-answer column designed to help our readers with their problems. Answers to all questions are thoroughly researched and, if necessary, checked with competent psychiatrists, psychologists, medical doctors, sociologists and other experts in family counseling. If you have questions, please send them to The EBONY Advisor, EBONY Magazine, 820 South Michigan Avenue, Chicago, IL 60605. Only the cities or states of those submitting questions will be published. Because of the large volume of mail we receive, we cannot send personal replies.

The Ebony advisor: expert advice on love and relationship

Ebony, March, 2005

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