THE EBONY ADVISOR: Expert Advice on Love and Relationships - Brief Article

Ebony, April, 1999

`How do I tell my unemployed, jailbird husband who dated my friend that I'm leaving him?'

Q I've been married to a man for 22 years. He has heated on me, not with just one woman but with many women. One of the women was a friend of mine. He has gotten into trouble with the law more than once. He is now serving a six-month sentence at a Louisiana State Prison. One of the women got pregnant by him, and now he is in and out of the court system for child support because he can't keep a job to pay this child support. The truth of the matter is that I am part blame for this because I stayed in the marriage instead of leaving him. But the have cards have turned around and I'm involved with a successful career-oriented man who I really, honestly feel is very interested in me and wants every successful thing he's able to accomplish in life. I've been seeing him for a little over four months. I like him very much, and I need your help and advice on how I should let my husband know I am leaving him--because I'm involved with this man, and I no longer love my husband. I feel that I have given him more chances than he really deserves to have. D. B., Lafayette, La.

A The reality that you no longer love your husband --not to mention the fact that he has cheated on you repeatedly, fathered a child by another woman, can't hold a job and is serving time in prison--is good enough reason to leave your husband. It is time that you start living for yourself. Just tell your husband you are fed up, leaving him and moving on. There's no reason to mention the other man. Don't let your serf-centered husband hold you back any longer.

Q I am a 32-year-old African-American male, dating a very beautiful and intelligent 31-year-old widow with three children. I'm an engineer making a decent living and she is a high school dropout who works as a secretary. That's not the problem. The problem is our relationship is getting serious and marriage has come up. She has been asking me to adopt her kids if and when we get married. I like her kids and think they are very well-manner, but nothing--even love--is forever. I've worked too long and hard to get where I am in my life, but the fact is that over half the marriages in this country end in divorce. What if we get married and then six or seven years later get a divorce? I don't want to be financially responsible for kids who aren't mine. My male friends think I should be cautious and protect my future. My female friends think I am being a typical male, whatever that means. They think love should be the only thing that matters, but that's not being realistic. What do you think? J. C., Raleigh, N.C.

A It is understandable that you are apprehensive about adopting your girlfriend's three children--if you decide to marry her. You are correct: Many times love does not last forever. And your are wise to not want to be financially responsible for your girlfriend's children in the case that things do not work out. The request seems premature and a bit unreasonable at this point. Whether or not you adopt her children, you can be a good husband and a loving, caring, father to her children. There are countless wonderful relationships between stepparent/stepchild, and in most cases, the parent does not legally adopt the child. Let your girlfriend know that you love her and will love and take care of her children, but you do not want to make a decision to adopt at this time. She would be a wise woman not to pressure you on this issue and ruin what appears to be a lovely relationship.

Q My good friend has been confuting in me and she needs your help. The problem is that my friend, a successful real estate agent, earns at least three times as much as her husband. That does not bother her, but it seems to bother her husband, who she says is frantically working overtime to compete with his wife's salary. He is a laborer for a utility company, and regardless of how much overtime he works, he will never match her income. They are in their 20s, have been married for about six months and have no children. My friend is baffled that her husband feels a need to compete. She says she loves him, and he had his current job when they married. He is nice-looking and had his choice of women before they married. D. L. Chicago

A Your friend is not alone in her dilemma. Many couples are faced with this problem, that of the husband feeling competitive with the wife who is making more She should never criticize her husband about his job or the amount of money he makes, and she should always be supportive of her husband. In addition, your friend should analyze he spending habits. Does she make expensive purchases? Does she tell her husband she wants a larger home or to take more elaborate vacations? Traditionally, the man is the provider, and such wish list could make him feel that his income is inadequate and he should earn more. She should compliment him on his work and express the desire to spend more time together and share their combined incomes. She should let him know that she is satisfied and happy with him, his job and his income. Make him feel loved and needed.