Why Some Good Girls Prefer Bad Guys

Ebony, April, 2000 by Zondra Hughes

YOU can spot "a bad boy" the second he enters the room. He has a rhythmic sway to his stride, walking as if the whole world's a theme song, being played over and over just for him. He's overly confident, somewhat aggressive, and eternally cool, at least in his own mind. Your gut instinct tells you there's nothing good about him, and no good can come from him--so why are there butterflies dancing in your stomach? You know the answer: You've made the fatal mistake of falling for the "bad boy."

On the surface, bad guys appear to be the ultimate ladies' man: A suave gentleman who knows how to charm a lady. But in reality, most of these men are immature, irresponsible and inconsistent. They balk at the mere mention of the term "commitment" and are slicker than an eel swimming in a vat of grease.

It's important to understand that "bad boys" are the minority in the Black community, and in every other community, and that no two "bad boys" are the same. There are various types of "bad boys" on a continuum ranging from the harmless immature bad guy to the dangerous full-blown sociopath, according to psychologist Carole Stovall, director of the Washington, D.C.-based Albemarle Psychological Center.

"`Bad boys' fall under a continuum. Some are men stuck in the junior high school stage who have not learned how to relate to women. They do silly things, but they don't have intentions of hurting anyone," says Dr. Stovall. "Extreme `bad boys' are seriously disturbed sociopaths. They can't understand anyone's feelings other than their own, and they will manipulate, lie and tell women whatever they want to hear to get what they want. These men are dangerous because they can't connect to anybody emotionally."

New York adult clinical psychologist Philip Spivey agrees that "bad boys" are dangerous in the sense that they are likely to trample a woman's feelings if she seeks a meaningful relationship.

"The `bad boy' defies the kind of conventions the so-called `good girl' brings to the table, but he's dangerous because the women who seek out `bad boys' are not really going to get any relationship satisfaction," Dr. Spivey explains.

With "bad boys" lurking everywhere, like some sort of twisted franchise, with their reputations preceding them, it's a wonder that women find them attractive at all. But they do, for various reasons. Some women, for example, seek a man who reminds them most of their childhood father-figure. If that male was negative, the woman will more likely be attracted to negative men as an adult. "Sometimes women have very bad role models for male relationships, and if a girl grows up having dissatisfying and problematic relationships with men, those are the kinds of men she's going to seek out as an adult," Dr. Spivey explains.

Other women suffer from low self-esteem and do not feel worthwhile unless they have a man in their life, and any man--good or bad--will do. "Some women feel they need a man to prove to the world that they're worth something," says psychotherapist Vera S. Paster, co-author of Staying Married: A Guide for African-American Couples. "If they don't have a boyfriend, then they don't count. Bad men [sense] these women, and they know that they will put up with their bad behavior."

Still other women tend to fall into the superwoman trap, mistakenly minimizing the badness of the man's behavior and believing that he can be changed or redeemed by their good love. Dr. Paster bashes the thought. "It's wishful thinking," she argues.

In many cases, the law of opposites attract applies for the "good girls" who crave a little excitement in their lives and who feel that the "bad guys" are the only ones who can satisfy them. These "good girls," who have done all the right things for the majority of their lives, are seeking a taste of the wild life without compromising their own sense of goodness. In fact, these women are attempting to live vicariously through the socially unacceptable behaviors of their men.

"A `good girl' is a woman who has followed the rules all of her life; she's been taught to go along with the status quo of what everyone else thinks she should do, be and want," says Dr. Stovall. "These women have not had an opportunity to be who they are, so they are attracted to the men who rebel against the rules, and they live vicariously through them."

Dr. Paster adds that women who have spent their entire lives pleasing others are more likely to be attracted to "bad guys."

"Being a `good girl' means you've had to forego a lot of your natural instincts, all in the interest of being good," says Dr. Paster. "Therefore, [with a `bad boy'] you can get the pleasure and excitement with someone who hasn't foregone his instincts, all while [maintaining] your image of being good."

Don't think for a minute that "bad boys" don't recognize the benefits of being bad. "The Diz," a self-proclaimed "bad boy," says in some cases bad guys are glamorized and that many men are jumping on the "bad boy" bandwagon, establishing themselves on the ladies' Most Wanted List.