Are You Afraid Of A Successful Sister? - women who make more than men - Brief Article - Column

Ebony, April, 2001 by Kevin Chappell

MORE than a week after he had caught his fiancee red-handed, my buddy still couldn't believe her audacity. Rummaging through her briefcase (that's another story for another day), he stumbled on her paycheck stub. He was shocked to discover that she is making more money than he is. When he asked her why she never told him, she said she kept it a secret because she feared her status as top breadwinner would hurt his feelings, make him feel inferior, make him feel less of a man. "You know how silly men are," she told him.

Of course, I ribbed him about his fiancee making more money than he does, how she was now the boss in the relationship, the "queen" of the hill, the master of her domain--none of which he thought was funny. But later, I attempted to comfort him by telling him about a recent study I read that confirmed what he already knew: Black women are beginning to outpace Black men in education level, job status and income. As a result, the study found, more of them are homeowners, stockholders, and decision-makers in their relationships.

What the study didn't address was the corresponding effect this advancement has had on relationships between Sisters and Brothers, particularly how more and more women believe that their professional and personal success is often viewed negatively by Black men.

We both concluded that while many women may be somewhat right in believing that there are indeed some Brothers who can't deal with a progressive Sister, and who would prefer to see women in subservient roles, more and more Brothers are coming around to the reality of the 21st century. And that reality is one in which Sisters hold cabinet positions, are presidents at universities, CEOs of large corporations, and moving up in every area imaginable.

Sisters are breaking through boundaries every day, and either Brothers accept it or get left behind. What bothered my buddy the most was not that his fiancee isbringing in more money than he is making, but her presumption that if she told him, he would get upset. He had always respected her and held her in high esteem, and would continue to do so---whether or not she makes more money than he does.

I don't know about you, but personally, it makes me feel good to see a Sister with a good job. And if she's making more money than I am, if she has more titles, that's fine. Just tell me what to call her. Ph.D., D.D.S., VIP or MVP, whatever. And if she has a company car, that's cool too. Just as long as she lets me ride shotgun sometimes. I might even wash it for her. If she wants to pay for dinner, go right ahead. I'm having the lobster and steak.

You see, I'm not scared of a successful Sister. In fact, I'm down with the whole concept, the whole notion of a Sister getting what she deserves out of life. I'm not bothered by the peripheral things that surround her, the material things she believes sometimes cloud other Brothers' judgments, and, in turn, may scare them off.

I'm down with her inner spirit, positive outlook, winning attitude. I want to root for her to be the best she can be. I want her to get another degree, get her promotion, get her spirit right, get her body right, get everything she wants and desires. I want to work with her, not against her.

I'd rather be with an independent Sister than a dependent one. I'd rather be with a well-to-do lady, than one who has nothing to do. Because, you see, I realized long ago that it's a cold world out there, and there's no room for a Brother with hang-ups about his masculinity, hangups about what role he should play and what role his lady should play, who should lead and who should follow.

I hope that more Sisters will realize that in their quest to conquer the world, all Brothers don t want to hold them back, all Brothers don t want to subjugate them, dominate them, relegate them, demean or belittle them. We want to be at their side to help them.

All that most Brothers want is for Sisters to wish the same good fortune for us. Sure, we might take a little longer to get our act together, to fight our way through the pitfalls, prejudgments and stereotypes that permeate society and tend to hold us back. But be patient with us, encourage us, and stop writing us off like the anchors do on the nightly news. Don't look at us through such a narrow lens that you don't see our potential, our good heart, decent values, strong moral fiber.

We want Sisters to share their life experiences with us. Describe them to us using bright colors and vivid details that we can understand and strive for. Take us where other successful Brothers and Sisters are. Tell us that we can get there too. Tell us what it's like to be the top in your field. Tell us what it's like to know God. Tell us what it's like to walk across the stage as they call your name and hand you your degree. Tell us what it's like to have a 401K, an IRA, an MBA.

Build up our confidence and we will do the same for you. Because a Brother who has confidence in who he is, what he stands for, and what he is striving for really has no reason to be afraid of a successful Sister.