7 Things You Must Know About Your Man

Ebony, April, 2001

IT'S often said that when you first meet a man, you're actually meeting his, "representative." If you're a serious Sister, this "representative" will show you his honest, straightforward style in an effort to win you over. If you're an adventurous Sister who loves to have a great time, he will reveal his outrageous sense of humor and may even suggest a mountain-climbing trip. If you're a tad old-fashioned, he'll nearly trip over himself to open your door.

In fact, relationship experts say both sexes present their "representatives" during the early stages of dating and mating in an effort to attract and keep a love interest. But once you've moved past the first few dates and the initial niceties, there are at least 7 things you should know before committing yourself to an exclusive relationship.

1. IS HE FREE?

First things first: Ask your man if he's married or in an otherwise committed relationship. That's right--some men who are so eager to get to know you better may employ the don't ask, don't tell policy about the women in their life, says Lawrence James, president of the Association of Black Psychologists, Chicago chapter. "Some men will hide the fact that they're married if they are unhappy in their marriage, or if he wants to have his cake and eat it too, and is still living the life of a bachelor," he explains. Dr. James adds that there are certain tell-tale signs of a Brother who's on the prowl. For instance, upon meeting him, if your-man-to-be doesn't offer you his home number, but rather a pager or cell phone number, be suspicious. (The same rule applies if you are given a home number but are only allowed to call during specific hours.) "Trust your gut feeling about the man," Dr. James says. "If he is doing things and taking you places that indicate that he's hiding out, it should raise questions about his availability for you."

2. WHAT ARE HIS INTENTIONS?

Don't assume that just because his face lights up like a Christmas tree every time he sees you that he's in this relationship for the long haul. And since there is a wide spectrum of relationships ranging from the "just hanging out" phase to marriage, New York psychologist Vera S. Paster, author of Staying Married: A Guide for African-American Couples, says Sisters should ask their potential mate immediately what his expectations are.

"The woman needs to know if what he wants is compatible with what she wants. For example, if she is looking for a permanent romantic relationship leading to marriage, she ought to know if he's the marrying type," Dr. Paster says. "She needs to know if he's able to commit himself to her, or if he's looking for a friendship or just a romantic liaison."

Houston-area psychologist Lesajean Jennings agrees and says it's best to ask rather than assume. "We often see signs and we know what they are, but we just don't want to believe them," she says. "Maybe this is a nice, attractive, kindhearted guy who just isn't ready for you. Pay attention to how he refers to you in public (does he call you `just a friend,' or `the love of his life'?) and ask the right questions (where are we headed in this friendship?). It's more fruitful to listen and pay close attention to what's actually flashing on the wall than to assume."

3. WHAT IS HIS SEXUAL HISTORY?

Inquiring about your mate's sexual health is definitely your business, especially if you decide to have an intimate relationship with him. Unfortunately, not many people will be open and honest about at-risk behavior, so it's always best to protect yourself--even if Mr. Right swears he is an adult virgin who was born and reared in the Holy Land. "Nowadays you need to get a very recent lab report on folks," warns Faruq Iman, president of the Association of Black Psychologists' Delaware Valley chapter. Dr. Jennings takes it a step further, saying that the woman should get tested as well. "If a woman wants her man to be tested for every sexually transmitted disease in the books, she should be willing to undergo those tests as well, she says. "In this clay of AIDS, herpes, and everything else that can last a lifetime or even kill you, it's important that you practice safe sex, no matter what."

4. ARE THERE SKELETONS IN HIS CLOSET?

Let's face it, Sisters, all men (and women) have a past. And as many history buffs will declare, if you don't learn from the past, you are bound to repeat it. Some relationship therapists conclude that it's best to ask about your mate's previous relationships, not to get the gossip on what went wrong, but rather, to discover if your mate has a pattern that will inevitably manifest in your current relationship. For instance, some [financially conservative] men date long and hard and then bail out right before the holiday season, only to return when he's no longer expected to give a gift. Some men are commitment-phobes who stick around faithfully until they hear the words "I love you," and then they take off like a runaway train. "Humans are very cyclical," explains Dr. Jennings. "We are likely to do the same thing over and over again, unless we make a conscious effort to change."