Relationship moves you'll regret later

HOW could you?" is one of the most recognized and most painful, phrases ever heard after a mate has made a bad move.

While some relationship infractions can be forgiven and forgotten, there are some wrong moves that can kill a relationship--and no amount of tears, flowers or candlelit dinners can truly revive it.

Here, then, are some of the more scandalous relationship actions that love experts say tend to leave the perpetrators in the proverbial doghouse.

Telling Tall Tales

Much like a stress-induced fever blister, lies have a habit of revealing themselves at the most inopportune times. Just ask Veronica and Gary (all names have been changed) of Minneapolis, who were this/close to getting hitched--that is, until a simple truth stopped Gary dead in his tracks.

When Veronica, a recent divorcee, met Gary, she was fearful of being sized up as desperate, so she denied ever being married. "That part of my past was dead, and I was living a new single life," she recalls. "I had developed a friendship with Gary, and I just wanted to have a good time with him. I had no idea that I was going to find love again and remarry."

After Gary popped the question, the blushing bride-to-be could never muster the courage to tell him the truth about her previous marriage. She held her breath when making wedding plans, afraid friends and family might accidentally mention how beautiful her last ceremony was. This lie hung over her head until the couple applied for their marriage license, and the clerk asked the routine question: "Has either of you ever been married before?" A tight-lipped Veronica confessed, and the truth set her free--of her fiance!

"I was obviously hurt, confused and embarrassed, and I just couldn't go through with the wedding at that time," Gary reveals. "I loved her, but I just kept thinking that if she lied about being married, what else is she hiding?"

It's best to be as honest as possible (without telling all of your business) when you're interested in someone, says Mary Elizabeth Hargrow, Ph.D., national president of the Association of Black Psychologists. She warns against telling a potential partner a bold-faced lie because most intelligent people are knowledgeable enough to detect a big pretender. "Serious people spend their time observing the unspoken qualities of the other person," says Dr. Hargrow. "They aren't just listening to what the other person says, they're also looking at the behaviors that are not spoken. They are watching how you respond to others, and they are listening to the language you use."

Lying and making false promises are also sure ways to lead the relationship down the wrong path.

Experts say false promises sully the promise-maker's character and, depending on the seriousness of the broken promise, may cause a lover to harbor a sense of ill will toward you. If you say you're going to do something, do it and he consistent about it, says Michael Baisden, motivational speaker and author of Men Cry in the Dark.

"After a lack of honesty, the next complaint most women have is the lack of consistency," Baisden says. "Men have to be consistent in an adult relationship, because serious-minded women are not going to tolerate inconsistency."

Experts say the bottom line is that you should think twice before making a promise that you have no intentions of keeping. Being truthful is especially important in budding relationships, where all you really have is your good word. If you're branded a liar, all else is lost.

Pushing The Relationship

If the stereotypes surrounding dating and mating are to be believed, there are some true desperados on the dating scene--women who are desperate to make it to the altar and men who are desperate to make it to the bedroom. The moment these desperate daters meet someone new, they rev up their engines and go after what they want in about 60 seconds flat.

Paris Finner-Williams, Ph.D., relationship therapist, divorce attorney and co-author of Marital Secrets: Dating, Lies, Communication and Sex, says entering the dating game with unrealistic, lofty expectations is a common mistake many women make. "One of the major problems women have while dating is looking at the person in order to determine if this person is the almighty one, the great winner of all relationships, the one you should marry," explains Dr. Finner-Williams. "I always tell couples to start off very slowly and not to advance the relationship into the next level for at least six months. There is only supposed to be one true love for us, and if you're consistently telling yourself this is the one with every new date, then you're setting yourself up to be hurt."

If it's a commitment you seek, Dr. Hargrow says that, at the appropriate time, you should be up front with your partner and voice your desires.

Relationship specialists say you should defy the urge to take desperate measures aimed at forcing your relationship into the next phase. In a nutshell: Keep your heart on an even keel and avoid overreaching your boundaries in hopes of securing a commitment.