Why women like `bad boys' - some

OVER the last 12 months, some of Hollywood's sexiest Sisters have added a hint of spice to their good girl images, falling for the latest trend in romantic apparel--a hardcore thug on their arm. But Tamala Jones, who is linked with bad boy Nate Dogg, and other celebrity beauties aren't the only women catching on to the "thug-love" sensation. Sisters at the office, at the gym and even next door are finding passion-filled romance within the strong embrace of a bona fide "rough neck." From their loose-fitting jeans to their bandanas tied at the front and their "bling-bling" diamond jewelry, Black women are opening their minds and their hearts to "thug lovin.'"

So what is it about "bad boys" that makes them so irresistible to some women? "A bad boy offers something that's different," says 31-year-old accounting manager Anese Collins, who recently became involved with a man she considers a "bad boy. " There's more excitement associated with somebody who's very different from you," she adds. "Bad boys don't subscribe to societal rules, and they are willing to challenge the norm. They are assertive in their behavior and are very take-charge. They don't take no for an answer."

Bayo Ojikutu, author of 47th Street Black, says that the perception of a bad boy is due, in large part, to society's definition of manhood. "A woman's attention will be most readily drawn to a mate who evokes society's perception of manhood: One who is willing to get down and dirty, and do all and anything to get his in this life," he says. "In a social order driven by survival of the fittest, a man must embody certain traits based on acquisition, consumption and competition. If you evidence such traits in a corporate boardroom or on a trading floor ... then you're good; if you evidence such traits on a street corner or in an alleyway, then you're bad."

Despite the apparent double standard, 31-year-old school-teacher Natalie McCray is drawn to the "all or nothing" ambition of a man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to go after it. After a string of failed relationships, she found a take-charge, no-nonsense bad boy who injects passion into her otherwise structured lifestyle. "Everything about him is intense. He's aggressive, he's focused and he's about `making it happen,'" she says. "That's sexy to me ... the way he looks, the way he smells, the way he touches, the way he looks at me, it's so strong and so real.

"But as different as I thought we were initially," McCray adds, "we have a lot of things in common. We have the same ideas about what we want out of life--success, independence and a family eventually." And although her friends warned her that he would never change, McCray has never tried to change her man, and wouldn't," she says.

While the life of a bad boy can be exhilarating, experts say that women should not expect a bad boy's external attributes to fulfill an internal need. "Women who do not feel good about themselves often seek external security because they lack internal reinforcement," says Dr. Kimberly

Meyer, adult psychiatrist to more than 100 women per month at a Chicago health center. "You can't go out looking for someone who's engaging; you should learn to be engaging. If you like someone who dresses well, you should start dressing well yourself.

"If you're going into a situation with a bad boy because you want the bad boy to do certain things, then try to do those things yourself so that you can appreciate yourself more. That way, you cannot be abused and you cannot be used because you understand how you feel about yourself, and you won't need external validation."

But good girls aren't alone in their attraction to the opposite end of the spectrum. Bad boys, experts say, are drawn to women that they identify as "good girls." "One of the trappings which define a male's capacity is the quality of the woman at his side," says Ojikutu. "That mating choice profoundly impacts the man's understanding of himself. Regardless of his class, the woman at his side must convey some indication of legitimacy and "goodness" that's defined by society--virtue, nurturing qualities, faithfulness, the fear of God."

Yet, despite the apparent chemistry, the attraction between good girls and bad boys can be problematic. "Problems arise when the bad things that a bad boy does begin to push the woman away or they cause so much conflict that the woman cannot tolerate the badness anymore," says Richard Ross, a 34-year-old systems coordinator. "At some point, the bad boy may have to tone it clown if he wants to be with that woman."

Collins, currently involved with a bad boy, agrees. "In a situation where it is imperative for your bad boy boyfriend to play the more polished role, it could be very costly to you both personally and professionally if he's unable to do that." Yet, Collins and her bad boy have managed to maintain their different lifestyles in a manner that works for them. "Our differences add to the fullness of the relationship."

Allowing a bad boy to be who he is, rather than trying to change him, experts say, is one of the most important parts of making the relationship work. "Women need to know that it's okay to be with a bad boy as long as she understands that it's her choice and as long as she can accept the consequences of that decision."

The relationship with her bad boy, McCray says, is as exciting today as it was the day they met. "People will always have misconceptions based on what they think or how someone looks, but you cannot judge a person until you really get to know him," she says. "If you're not willing to look beyond the surface, you'll never know all that you could have with someone."

COPYRIGHT 2003 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2003 Gale Group