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Expert advice on love and relationships - The Ebony Advisor
Ebony, April, 2003
`I am in love with two men. Please help!'
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Q I am in love with two men! I've been happily married for nine years and have young kids. I have absolutely no intention of EVER divorcing my husband because I don't think I could have done any better than this wonderful man. I am very much in love with my husband and we have an outstanding life together ... no major problems. It's because of this that I have not cheated. The other reason why infidelity has not occurred is because of my friend." As a married Christian man with kids, he also wants to do the right thing. I'm scared because I feel it is inevitable that we will eventually cheat on our spouses. It's been over a year since we reconnected, and so far, we are proud that we haven't had intercourse. We have completely cut off communication a couple of times to ensure that infidelity does not occur. It's just that we miss each other so much that we find excuses to call after we think we've gotten over it. One call leads to another, which leads to meeting for lunch, which leads to very strong passionate sexual desires. I know this has to end, but I just don't know how to end it. I want to remain friends with him because we inspire, uplift, encourage and care about each other. A part of me wants to make love with him, hoping it helps. The larger part of me wants to remain faithful to my beloved husband until death do us part. How do I get beyond this emotional and sexual anxiety without losing my "friend" forever. I've been struggling for too long. Please help! Although we haven't had intercourse, we have been extremely intimate.
New York
A If you play with fire, you will get burned. If you juggle knives, sooner or later you will get cut. If you skate on thin ice, you will get cold and wet. Get the point? You will not be "happily married" to your "wonderful" husband much longer if you don't stop carrying on with your "married Christian" friend. You emphasize that you hare not "cheated" or committed infidelity, but many would argue that you, in fact, have cheated on your husband, especially since you write that you have been "extremely intimate." Exactly what that means is rather hazy; what is crystal clear is that you are headed for trouble. Is it really worth it to risk your good marriage and stable family to satisfy your sexual whims? Use common sense and relieve your sexual tension with your husband. End your relationship (friendship, or whatever you want to call it) with your friend (lover, or whatever you want to call him), and devote that energy to your husband, children and job or to some other cause. If you continue in the direction you are headed, you risk losing it all.
Q For the past seven years I have been with my fiancee. In the beginning we were good friends who decided to take our relationship to the next level. Everything was great--sex life, cuddling, spending time together, etc. In recent times, however, and especially now, I am starting to sense that she's falling out of love with me. The way she acts and talks to me is different, as well as our sex life, which has dwindled to once or twice a month. When I ask her about things, she says she loves me and that I satisfy her completely. I don't know what to do. I've even begun to notice subtle changes that suggest infidelity. For instance, although we are in a monogamous relationship, we still occasionally use condoms for birth control. Condoms have slowly been disappearing from our stash. I love this woman with all my heart and I still want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I can't ignore the negative vibe. Please advise me on how to proceed.
New York
A Sometimes your gut feelings and instincts are a good barometer to assess a situation and decide how to proceed. But don't be too hasty in assuming that your fiancee is being unfaithful. Are there other signs? If not, it may be that the romance has faded from your relationship. Make an effort to rekindle the fire. Plan romantic evenings and getaways. Don't take her for granted. Make time in your schedules for date nights. Surprise her with a bubble bath and champagne after a hard day's work. Take your time and check out the situation. If she truly doesn't love you anymore, that will become clear.
Q I have been married for a year and a half and secretly have been seeing one of my husband's friends for the past six months (he is married also). We have a sexual relationship and love each other. But I feel bad because this man is better than my husband in the bedroom, in every way. Because of this I have not had intercourse with my husband in the last five months. I know this is a wrong thing to do, but I'm very happy this way. Why?
North Carolina
A Because you have no morals, no scruples, no conscious and no common sense. It is clear that you have no respect for your husband, his friendships or your marriage. You may think you are happy now, but the joy will evaporate when your husband finds out about the affair. Sexual compatibility is important in a marriage, but it takes a lot more than good sex to make a long, mutually rewarding relationship. Don't throw away a good future for a sexual fling. By the way, why did you marry your husband in the first place?
