Who's afraid of the 'terrible twos'? Busy banker and first-time mother navigates the challenging years - Parenting

Ebony, April, 2004 by Zondra Hughes

SO, you're in the grocery store, minding your own business, when all of a sudden, you hear a tiny voice scream: "NO! NO! NO!"

Or you see a superfeisty child, no taller than his mother's knee, kicking and screaming and crying his eyes out until his embattled and embarrassed mother caves in and buys anything and everything just to get him off the floor and out the front door.

What you've just witnessed is the temper tantrum, a phenomenon in human development that generally occurs when the child enters a phase commonly referred to as the "terrible twos."

In Chicago, Misha Blackman, agency management officer at Bank of America and a first-time mother, says that her 15-month-old daughter Schalen is creeping into her terrible twos, but that it hasn't gotten out of control just yet.

"She doesn't say 'no' yet, but as my grandmother would say, she's definitely a little bossy," Blackman says. "If she wants something, she'll cry for a short amount of time. But if I tell her 'no,' she'll stop, and her feelings will be hurt, but then she'll say, 'okay,' and just move on to something else. She's the only kid I know who can remain angry for only 2 minutes!"

Virginia-area psychotherapist Jan Summers says that parents shouldn't dread the "terrible twos" stage, but embrace it, because in reality, their child isn't acting out, just learning to become an independent person.

"It's almost like magic. When the child enters that age, the word 'no' comes out, and they become oppositional," Dr. Summers explains. "But really they are trying to gain a sense of self. It's exploration. They want to see what will happen if they do things opposite of the way that you're presenting it to them."

Dr. Edith M. Fresh, associate professor at Morehouse School of Medicine's department of family medicine, agrees, adding that the terrible twos can start under the age of 2 and last until 4 years of age, but that it's "one of the developmental stages in the life span and is definitely nothing to be afraid of."

"Children are becoming more independent and they also realize that they have their own little voice, that's why you hear a lot of 'no's,'" she explains.

During the workweek, Misha rises at 6:00 a.m. to prepare for work and to grab a slice of quiet time before getting Schalen up (at 6:30 a.m.) and ready for the baby-sitter "I have to get up early because once Schalen is up, it's all about her. It's a whirlwind--changing diapers, getting breakfast, don't touch this, don't do that!"

But recently, Schalen has been rising earlier too, cutting in on her mommy's free time. "She keeps tricking me. I think she's sleeping, but she's awake, walking around, and asking me, 'Whatcha doin?'" Misha laughs.

Like many mothers, Misha finds much opposition when it's time to get her toddler ready. Schalen loves to brush her teeth, but hates to wash her face. She loves to get dressed in her pretty pink clothes, but she hates turtlenecks and snowsuits. And now Schalen has learned to comb her hair, which unfortunately, means that Misha has to comb it all over again before they head out the door.

"We really have a problem with the hair-combing," Misha says. "My grandmother [who is also Schalen's daily baby-sitter] has taught her how to comb her hair, and I will go through great pains to get her ponytails just right, and then she'll take her little comb and comb it out. When I turn around and look at her again, she looks like The Nutty Professor. So that usually adds more time to our morning schedule."

Once they do depart, mommy and baby are off to the baby-sitter's. Misha steals a kiss from her baby before racing to catch a train to her downtown job. At the office, Misha Blackman, the banker, is charged with the arduous task of being a mediator between loan customers and their lawyers who want to secure loans from her bank. At the end of the day, the busy banker heads to the train to pick up Schalen from the baby-sitter's. At home, the routine starts all over again.

But on some days Schalen is just not feeling that getting-out-of bed routine, and Misha just tries to understand.

"The easiest thing for me to do is to put myself in her shoes," she says. "She's just a little person in a big person's world who's trying to figure things out."

Sticking to a daily routine can become hectic, especially if your little one isn't willing to cooperate. When this occurs, the best thing to do is to slow down, advises Dr. Fresh.

"Take the time to reassure your child and spend a little time with the child before you just drop him off and run," Dr. Fresh says. "It's important for the parent to take a couple of minutes to prepare the child before leaving home. You can even begin to prepare him the night before, telling him that tomorrow is going to be a good day, and that you're going to have some fun. Make getting ready for the day a positive experience."

Today, Misha is learning to navigate Schalen's waters of independence; she has resorted to buying special soft towels to wash Schalen's face, and she keeps them nice and warm so that her baby won't be too fussy about it. On some days, Misha rises a little earlier than 6:00 a.m. to sneak some free time into her schedule, and she's also learned to make a game out of everyday routines, which is why Schalen loves to brush her teeth so much.