5 mistakes that may be keeping you from the altar

Ebony, April, 2005 by Zondra Hughes

THERE is nothing wrong with being single, if you want to be single. If you're going through a much-needed selfish phase in order to get to know who you really are and what you really want in a relationship, then you should be applauded for recognizing that you're a complete person even if you don't have a wedding band on your finger.

If you're happily single, continue to stand up and be proud about it--let them all know that it's your prerogative to attend family reunions, class reunions, company functions, church gatherings, and even the movies, solo. You go, girl.

However, if you're single because you can't seem to get that call for a second date, or because you believe that all men are commitment-phobes, or because there isn't a man out there who is good enough for you, or because you seem to be a magnet for the playas, then read on. Experts, and a few famous bachelors, point out what you may be doing wrong and how you can increase your chances of finding and keeping the Brother you want.

MISTAKE NO. 1

You're chasing the "bad boy" (AKA the wrong man).

Undeniably, the allure of the "bad boy" is real. What hot-blooded Sister wouldn't want to win in the ultimate love challenge--to be the one woman to make a playa grow up and settle down?

Men also recognize the thrill appeal of being "bad boys" as well, according to World Wrestling Entertainment superstar Shelton Benjamin.

"Some women are intrigued by what they really don't understand," Benjamin explains. "Women just like that tough image ... to go for the biggest, the strongest, the toughest, and that's what the bad boys portray." The professional wrestler, who admits that he is a notorious flirt, adds that it's not impossible to tame a "bad boy" if you catch him at a vulnerable moment, and if you have the patience of Job.

HINT: In most cases, you will not be successful taming a "bad boy" unless he's ready to be tamed, says relationship therapist Audrey B. Chapman, author of Seven Attitude Adjustments for Finding a Loving Man. "Shut down your one-woman help clinic for commitment-phobic men," she warns. "Trying to turn them into marriage-minded partners is a waste of your time and energy."

MISTAKE NO. 2

You're too shy (or too proud) to make the first move.

Mr. Right spots Ms. Right and gallantly pursues her until she accepts his hand in marriage--that's the stuff that Hollywood romances are made of. But what's a girl to do if she spots Mr. Right, and for one reason or another, he doesn't even know that she exists? Is she supposed to wait in the wings until fate brings them face-to-face?

Consider Laura's plight.

Laura had a huge crush on Jason, a new member of her health club, and Tasha, another gym member, had set her eyes on Jason, too. But they took a different approach to get his attention--Laura took a wait-and-hope approach, while Tasha stepped to Jason. Several weeks later, Jason and Tasha were dating, and the patient Laura had missed the boat.

"We have to be active in the process of finding, meeting and loving the right man who comes our way," suggests psychologist Jarralynne Agee, contributor to Chicken Soup for the African American Soul. "You don't want to be dismissive [show no interest] or aggressive [show forced interest]; however, being assertive, that is, showing a confident level of interest, will help a guy know where he stands with you and that he can reciprocate the interest."

And don't let pride stand in the way of your making that first move, says William July II, author of Confessions of An Ex-Bachelor. "My advice is, if you see something you like, go for it," he says. "Life is too short to wait around for the right person simply to approach you. If you see a man and you get the right vibes, take a chance."

HINT: Approaching a man can be a flattering gesture, according to some Brothers, but throwing yourself at a man's feet can be detrimental.

MISTAKE NO. 3

You're desperate to be a wife--and it shows.

Some Sisters aren't shy at all--they fall on the opposite end of the spectrum, those women who "ain't too proud to beg" for a husband, perhaps even on the first or second date.

A woman can literally talk herself out of a potential committed relationship by moving too fast, warns relationship author William July II. On one Sunday, July had just enjoyed an afternoon at the movies with a woman who he really liked. On the ride home, this Sister asked him to take a route where some new homes were being constructed. The Sister's conversation took a wrong turn and this romantic route had suddenly marked the end of the road for their courtship. It was their fourth date.

"We admired the fine homes under construction," July recalls. "That's when her hints about marriage went from hints to statements of fact, such as, 'We should get one like that,' and 'I think I'll only work part-time after our first child.' She was moving too fast for me in the assumptions about marriage, and it scared me off."

HINT: Psychologist Jarralynne Agee says there are a lot of women out there who are rushing to the altar (the wedding dress and track shoes syndrome), but she adds that it's not necessarily a bad thing, under certain circumstances.