Why do the men you really love break your heart?

Ebony, April, 2005

Q Why do the men you really love break your heart? When I was 18, I gave my whole life to my love. Three years ago we broke up and I had a baby with another man. Now we are back together. I am 21 and he's 26. I have caught him cheating three times. He says it's because I had a baby with another man. If he loves me, he would accept my child. Our wedding is supposed to be in July. Please help me. I don't know what to do.

Confused in Mississippi

A You know what to do. You both have serious issues of trust and commitment to work through before you marry. It would be wise for you and your fiance to get premarital and individual counseling. Meanwhile, you both need to consider whether marriage is the right move. Cheating three times? He's begging you to leave him. And his excuse is lame. You need to put your child first and start living your life according to what makes you happy, not a life of never-ending punishment.

Q I recently found pornographic material hidden under my teen son's mattress. I raided the rest of the room and found even more explicit, obscene magazines and videos. When I confronted him, he denied it and then admitted to an obsession with pornography since he was 12. How do I help him?

Worried in S.C.

A Dr. Hope Ashby, a specialist in sexuality, suggests that you have a heart-to-heart talk with your son about sex, for it appears that he is attempting to get information that perhaps he has not gotten from his parents. She says it is important to create a bridge of communication so that your son will feel comfortable talking with you about sex and anything else. He can learn what is appropriate behavior from you. Also, parents often forget that sex is a natural part of life. With your guidance, your son can learn what is appropriate and what is safe. You must realize, too, that you cannot control all the information that enters your son's life, but you can try to control what comes into your home.

Q I am 36 and married a childhood friend in August 2004. We had grown apart and recently got back together. It is my third marriage. Now I'm asking myself why I married again. He has not worked since May 2004. We are of different faiths and clash often. He doesn't treat me with the kindness and interest he had before we married. I had my doubts, but I still proceeded with my vows. I haven't been single since age 18. I have four almost-grown children. I've always had a man in my life, but I don't have an interest in staying in this marriage unless my husband changes his attitude and lifestyle. I just don't know what to do. Help!

Hopeless in Buffalo, N. Y.

A You and your husband have fallen into a trap that befalls many couples: a failure to communicate. You both desperately need to talk to each other about your goals as a couple. Marriage counseling may provide insight into his work ethic and attitude. If he won't go, go alone. You personally should see a counselor to determine why you ignored your doubts about marriage. And why have you been married so many times? Are you afraid of being alone? If you don't get help now, you are doomed to make the same mistakes a fourth time. Also, explain to your husband that you understand that the job market is difficult, but he must seek employment. A job should boost his self-esteem and improve his attitude toward you.