The Ebony Advisor

Ebony, May, 1999

Expert Advice on Love and Relationship

`My boyfriend invited me to join him on a holiday vacation, and I ended up footing the bill.'

Q

My boyfriend of eight months asked me to go out of state for a holiday week of fun. Two days before we left, he asked if we could share the cost of the hotel. I agreed. But I ended up paying my share of the hotel bill and everything else, including food and social activities, for the week. He said he didn't have any money. I keep wondering why he asked me in the first place to go with him if he didn't have the money. What if l didn't have the money? I just can't confront him about this issue and I'm so confused about it. Can you please help me? Z.M., Baltimore, Md.

A

Yes, you are confused. And you've been had. Since you have been dating this man for only eight months, it is obvious that there is much you do not know about him. He is slick. He is sly. And he used you and your money for a nice vacation. You shouldn't be reluctant to confront him. In fact, you should confront him and then drop him.

Q

What I find weird and different about my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years is that he doesn't kiss me when we make love or when we're together. He gave me one deep kiss the first time we made lore, and it was very short. He gives me a tap kiss or a bug when he leaves. He is not a romantic or passionate person, even though he says he likes me. I'm very romantic, passionate and sensitive when it comes to lore. I like to hear and feel things. I like to be kissed and caressed, especially when we're making love. Should I let him know how I feel or should I wait to see if he treats me differently if we get more serious? C.R., Hartford, Conn.

A

As you have discovered, not all people are blessed with the same degree of passion. Because he is not as affectionate as you are does not mean he does not care for you. Tell him how you feel, what you like and prefer. Maybe there is the capacity for growth and change, but he ma), be set in his watts and preferences. Work it out now, for as the relationship progresses, the less likely he will change into the romantic suitor you prefer.

Q

I am a 17-years-old college freshman, and I've been dating an 18-year-old guy for two years. Last !tear we broke up for a short time because we needed some space, and be dated another girl. After two months, we got back together and he swore he was through with her. He joined the Army and while he was gone, his ex and I became friends. When he came home for a visit, be took me out only twice in a two-week period. To top it off, be went to visit his ex, but she wouldn't let him in. He volunteered this information himself. I feel betrayed. We are still together, but his job has him out of the country for a year. He doesn't write to me or call me. Should I continue to try, or am I just fooling myself? A.C., Derby, Kan.

A

Yes, you are "fooling" yourself if you put your life on hold to wait for Mr. Uncertain to make up his mind and return to the Stares. He obviously is not into you as much as you are into him. You both are very young. He's moving on with his life. So should you.

Q

My daughter's father lost his job last year. He lives by himself and I live with my parents. As his girlfriend, I helped him out, thinking I was his only source of income. I was taking care of him and all of his bills, as well as taking care of my daughter and trying to save money for an apartment. Then I found out be was cheating on me with a 19-year-old girl. I was disappointed and heartbroken. In my presence, he told the girl that he doesn't lore her, he never meant anything that he told her and that he was just using her for money. He told me he wants to work things out, and that he still loves me. I'm so confused. I still love him, but I hate him for what he did to me. R.R., Brooklyn, N.Y.

A

Though you are hurt and confused, you have learned a valuable lesson: Don't give money to a man. Despite what your unfaithful man says, tell him you will no longer foot his bills and that you will consider re-evaluating the relationship after he finds a job. Then stick by your word. You are already taking care of this man's daughter; you should not take care of him as well.

Q

I recently started seeing a man who is nice, has a good job and is polite to me and my kids. The only problem I have with him is that when be says he is coming over, he doesn't. Then be acts as though I shouldn't be mad. He says he is not dating anyone else and that he cares for me. Should I call it quits because he doesn't show up when he says, or should I hang on and see what happens? I really like him a lot, but I don't want to get hurt again. D.L., New Haven, Conn.

A

If you continue to put up with his broken promises, you will get hurt. "Hanging on" will just confirm that he is not dependable. In fact, he may be the controlling type of person who wants to keep your time tied up waiting for him. Tell Mr. No-Show that you will be dating other people or are otherwise busy. Perhaps he will Keep better track of his time. If not, find a better use for your time.