The New Wave Of Widows

Ebony, May, 1999 by Laura B. Randolph

Grieving, growing, dating and getting on with their lives.

EVERY year thousands of Black women make a pain-racked, agonizing, gut-wrenching transition--from wife to widow. In the blink of an eye, these women lose the most important person in their life--their lover, their life partner, the person with whom they have built their dreams and their lives.

While these women's lives once thrived on dreams and decisions shared, after the death of a husband, they find themselves on a solo, often spiritual, journey of rediscovery: Of their strength. Of their spirit. Of their ability to laugh again, love again and make a new life.

For many women, that journey of rediscovery includes venturing into areas for which they've never had the time or the freedom, honing old skills or new talents and launching themselves back into a full and rewarding social life.

Not that it's easy. As any woman who has lost her husband will tell you, the transition from wife to widow is nothing short of agonizing. But as the tens of thousands of Black women who have made the transition affirm, with time and support, they can and do learn to live with their loss and make new and rewarding lives.

According to the federal government, 1.3 million Black women--1 out of every 10 Sisters over the age of 15--are widows. And more than half--54 percent--of African-American women age 65 and older are widows.

Surprisingly, it isn't just elderly women who are experiencing this overwhelming loss. "The average age of widowhood today is just 56," writes Smart Women Finish Rich author David Bach, a leading financial educator who advises women how to secure their financial future before they lose their husband to death or divorce.

Even if they aren't widowed young, women in the U.S. statistically can expect to outlive their husband. (The average American woman lives seven years longer than the average man.) And for African-American women, the gap is even wider. The average Black woman will live to age 74; the average Black man lives only to age 65.

What do these statistics mean for African-American women? Sadly, that at some point in their lives, most Sisters will have to deal with the devastating loss of a husband. And whether the death is from accident, illness or natural causes, losing a spouse is one of the most difficult and disorienting experiences a woman can face.

What makes the death of a spouse so difficult? For one thing, say experts, it affects a woman on so many levels--emotional, psychological, social, financial. For another, it deprives her of her primary source of companionship and all the different types of validation, reinforcement and understanding that her husband once gave her.

As Therese Rando, Ph.D. tells widows in her book, How To go On Living When Someone You Love Dies: "With the death of your spouse, you probably have lost someone who really `knew' you. Often it means losing the person who has known you longer and/or better than anyone else alive."

No one knows that better than Paula Harrison, 36, a co-manager of a clothing store who lost her husband to a stroke last year. "Eddie was my first love," says the mother of two. "We met when I was 15 years old. We had so many years together, so much history. I don't believe anyone will ever know me the way Eddie did again."

Just as devastating as losing the person who knows you best, say African-American widows, is standing face-to-face with the fact that you have also lost your biggest supporter, staunchest defender, and greatest champion. "Bill gave me unqualified, undeniable, unconditional support," says Lynne Adrine, 43, a mother of two and a senior producer for ABC News who lost her husband, William Bean, in 1997 to a heart attack. "I knew he always had my back, and that is a very precious, very difficult thing to replace."

So are all the everyday roles and functions--e.g., grass cutter, plumber, car mechanic, snow shoveler--a woman's husband may have performed, roles that she will have to see are fulfilled. Before Mary Wright became a widow three years ago, for example, the 54-year-old elementary school teacher says she knew next to nothing about the family finances. "My husband took care of all the bills," says Wright, who lost her husband of more than 30 years to cancer. "The year before George died, he made it a point to teach me all about our finances. Looking back, I see what a wonderful gift that was."

Since the death of her husband, Paula Harrison says she has had to learn to navigate the city. "Eddie used to drive us everywhere, so I never paid attention to streets or directions," she says. "Now, it's up to me to get us all to the places we need to go."

For Christine Freeman, 56, getting to all the places she and her late husband, Jesse, used to go wasn't the problem--going without him was. "For months after Jesse died," says the retired federal worker who lost her husband in 1994 to cancer, "I didn't want to go anywhere because I felt so awkward going alone. After 28 years of marriage, learning to go places by myself was a real challenge."