For Brothers Only - Brief Article

Ebony, May, 2000 by Kevin Chappell

ARE YOU A HIGH-MAINTENANCE MAN?

WHAT makes you happy? What makes you feel powerful, gives you a rush, picks you up when you re down, makes you feel like a man? What gets you going in the morning, keeps you going in the afternoon, helps you get a good night's sleep at the end of the day?

Is it sex? Money? Power? Being liked? Being loved? Is it having a good job to go to, a good car to drive, a good party to crash, a good suit to wear, a good-looking woman to spend time with, a good drink to take the edge off?.

In other words, what turns you on?

Oh, sure, it's an extremely personal question. And, if you are like most Brothers, you may choose not to answer it, at least not give a truly honest answer. Because if you did, you would undoubtedly realize that you have many--too many--things tied to your happiness. You would realize that, like a drink or a junkie looking to get his daily fix, many of us too have little control over our emotional well-being. We let things and circumstances beyond our control determine whether we're having a good day, a good week, a good life. And while not as socially unacceptable as staying drunk or high, many times the things we need to set us right are just as destructive.

Don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with enjoying the company of a lady, the admiration of friends, material items. It's only when we need such things to make us feel good about ourselves, to make us feel whole, that we cross the line from simple enjoyment to a more unhealthy state.

It's easy for us to find those same hang-ups and idiosyncrasies in others. From a mile away, we can spot other high-maintenance Brothers, those with flaws in their personalities. How many times have you talked about the Brother who's not smiling unless he's pursuing three or four women, the Brother who's not happy unless he's wearing new clothes, driving an expensive car, the Brother who doesn't feel good about himself unless he's got the floor, got somebody's attention, got somebody interested in what he's saying?

But what about you? The only way to recognize the degree your happiness is dependent on outside influences is through self-evaluation, an often extremely painful experience, and possibly the hardest thing in life you will ever do. Most of us go through life without ever taking a close look at ourselves, never evaluating our own personal shortcomings, never accepting that we too have let outside influences prevent us from being content with ourselves and our lives. Until we do, we will never realize that true health and happiness can only be found within us. Inner contentment is independent of external forces, and therefore, is more dependable and rewarding. Finding true inner peace in your life is something you will always have, something no one or nothing can take away from you.

Friends come and go, just as money, position and power do. Looks fade and, just like a drunk never finds true happiness at the bottom of his bottle, true happiness will never be found at the end of a long string of one-night stands, a string of titles attached to your name, or a wad of $100 bills in your pocket.

In a society that places so much emphasis on being somebody, it's almost impossible not to develop dependencies on things outside of our being, things we think will make us that "somebody" that society says we should be.

But it doesn't mean we shouldn't try to seek inner peace. It all starts by realizing happiness is a journey, not a destination, and that there is no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges, things you wish you could change. It's best to admit this and decide to be happy anyway. I received an e-mail the other day that simply read: "Stop waiting. Stop waiting--until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose 10 pounds, until you gain 10 pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you are able to afford a nice vacation, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car, until you get a new home, until your car is paid off, until your home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until the first of the month, until the first of the year, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you've copped a fix, until you've copped a cutie, until you get some respect, until you get some real money, until your lady gets her act together, until you stop sinning, until you're born again--to be happy."

In other words, don't be a high-maintenance man who depends on many--too many--things to make you happy. Don't be a Brother always on the cusp of life--real life--one who will begin enjoying life once he gets through a crisis, takes care of some unfinished business, pays a debt, buys a ear, gets an apartment, meets a good woman, gets a good job.

Realize that these challenges are life. Time waits for no one. So stop putting your life on hold in hopes of one day being "the man," and begin treasuring the fact that you're your own man.