Dating: the new rules for 2002

Ebony, May, 2002 by Zondra Hughes

YOU'VE heard the rules: A woman should never ask a man out. The man should pick up the tab, even if the woman asks him out. And never have sex on the first date if you want to be respected.

Now, just when you thought your wardrobe was tight and your mack was on point, the rules of romance have changed: Women can make the first move. Whoever invited pays. And never sleep with someone (be it the first date or the 50th) without exchanging sexual histories and/or HIV test results.

But perhaps the biggest change of all is that dating has gone high-tech, and is very, very organized. It's a world where no self-respecting single person would be caught dead without a personal business card that lists a telephone number, e-mail address, and, of course, the best time to call.

Today's singles belong to clubs such as First Fridays, First Wednesdays, and other national organizations where Black professionals mingle, network and enjoy good food and great music.

For the seafarers, there's the annual National Professionals Network cruise and, of course, fly jock Tom Joyner's Fantastic Voyage, where--although it isn't widely publicized--many singles hang out, dress to impress, and, yes, meet that special someone.

The Internet provides virtual chats for Black singles as well.

True, the '02 dating scene is much more complicated than just getting a person's phone number and meeting for dinner. Yet, experts say following the new rules of dating (as provided by relationship specialists and those who are knee-deep in the dating trenches right now) will give you a better understanding of today's rules of romance.

1 MAKE THE FIRST MOVE AND ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

You're a Sister who knows exactly what you want--and there he is, the bow-legged Brother with the sun-kissed skin and the smooth bald head. You look him over. Nice shoes (Read: He's employed). Pressed pants (Read: He cares about his appearance). No ring on the wedding finger (Hallelujah!). He's reading a book and enjoying a cup of coffee, obviously all alone.

But what will you do? You want to be bold, but that little seed of self-doubt is steadily growing into a beanstalk and you can't help but think: "What if he turns me down?"

Eve Hogan, co-author of Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be, was on vacation in Hawaii with a friend when her husband-to-be-caught her eye.

"Steven was having dinner alone in a restaurant," she recalls. "I watched him for a while, but he wasn't paying attention to me. So I mustered up some courage, went over to his table and introduced myself. Fortunately he was open to talking and after a while, my friend and I sat down to join him for the evening.

I didn't have a relationship with him before that moment, so in the worst-case scenario, if he turned me down, nothing would have changed. As it turned out, we're happily together almost a decade later because I took the risk and followed my intuition." Today, the couple lives in Maui.

The most effective way to introduce yourself to a potential date is to be respectful and courteous. Keep your introduction tasteful. If that person is uninterested, don't beg, linger or be insulting; instead, make a quick and graceful exit and move on.

2 TAKE THE INITIATIVE: JOIN A SINGLE'S NETWORK.

Organized networking is another prime outlet to meet singles says Art Sims, host of the Chicago-based Original Real Deal Ultimate Relationship Chat, an informal meet-and-greet party where singles convene to network and discuss relationship topics.

"Serious-minded singles should definitely join a chat; it's a way that people can bring forth information about themselves, and you can find someone with views and values similar to your own."

Real live singles' gatherings are happening all around the country--and some computer-savvy singles are meeting new people in the virtual chatrooms over the Internet. If you're into virtual dating, experts advise that you protect yourself and your privacy by not giving personal information that could lead a cyber stalker to your front door. Always follow your gut instinct about a person, and check references before agreeing to meet the person face-to-face. And always choose a public meeting place.

Singles know that good prospects can also be found at various seminars (i.e., for first-time home buyers, money management, etc.) and conventions. Contact your city's tourism bureau for a complete listing of conventions that are coming to town, and attend the seminar that might attract the kind of mate that you are looking for.

3 IF YOU ASK FOR THE DATE, YOU PAY THE TAB.

In the past, if a man slid the dinner bill across the table on the first date, he was considered a tightwad at best or a moocher at worst. And years later, if a woman picked up the tab, she was considered independent, but perhaps a little too independent for some of her old-school dates.

But today, things are quite different. "Whoever asks for the date should pay for the date," says Arnie Graves, 33, a Chicago railroad yardmaster. "If men tend to pay for the date on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and then if we come forward and ask, `Are you going to pay this tab?' she'll get offended and it's a fight."