The Ebony Advisor: expert advice on love and relationships - Questions and Answers - Brief Article

Ebony, May, 2002

`Should I Stay With This Boy And Have His Baby?'

I really love this guy, and we have been in a serious relationship for four years. But we had a very bad breakup a couple of months ago and didn't speak to each other for three weeks. When we got back together, he came with the bad news that he had gotten another girl pregnant. I am really upset, but I am still with him. This is the second time he has gotten somebody pregnant during our relationship, I forgave him the first time because he said he wouldn't do it to me again. He says the same thing every time--that he is sorry, that he wants to be with me and he wants me to have his baby. Should I believe him when he tells me that he will give me everything? You know what they say: A baby's mama is always in the picture. Should I stay with this boy and have his baby? Or should I move on with my life and find somebody to love me? Would I be able to trust him if we get married? I love this boy, but I don't know what to do. (I am 21.) Please help.

G.H., Atlanta

No, you should not believe him. No, you should not stay with him and have his baby. Yes, you should move on with your life. No, you would not be able to trust him if you married him. You may think you are in love now, but just wait until you have a baby or two by this two-timing baby machine. What makes you think he will treat you any better than he does his other babies' mamas? He is probably telling them the same nonsense he is telling you. You do not have to prove your love to this or any other man by having his child. It is amazing that so many young women fall for this ridiculous line. If you care anything about yourself, you will pursue an education that can lead to a good job so that you can take care of yourself and have .something to offer when a real man comes along.

"Norman," "Gail's" significant other, is very persistent about soliciting her friends to bed. You tell him you're not interested, he'll leave it alone for a while then start up again. A few of us have discussed this and have come to the same conclusion that if we tell her, she will hate us or not believes us. He always claims that "Gail" has too many problems and issues, that her son and mother are a hindrance. Well, if they are the problem, he should just leave her. He tries to solicit us practically in front of "Gail" as soon as she turns her back, before she even leaves the room. She has a better job and makes more money than he, and we don't see why she needs him, except to say she has a man. The bottom line is that he has no respect for her. It is really becoming a problem being in their company. What do we do?

Pawtucket, R.I.

Simply tell "Gail" that you are not comfortable being around "Norman," and arrange to see her at times when you do not have to be in his presence. If she presses for details, tell her the truth without getting into a long discussion. Just make it clear that you would prefer not to be in his company. If "Gail" decides to continue to put up with this unscrupulous man and his obnoxious behavior, that's her call. You and her other girlfriends do not have to subject yourselves to this slob.

I am a single, 34-year-old male in my first relationship. For most of my life I thought I was to be a minister, so I avoided sexual relationships. For 3 1/2 years I've been involved with a woman at work I've known for 12 years. We love each other and are engaged. But her youngest son, 16, is known to be a problem child and loves to bully people and instigate fights at school and in the neighborhood. He says that he likes me, but his actions say that he doesn't want to share his mother with anybody. People have told me that I am too nice a guy to marry a woman with a mean, hateful child. I have no kids. She is also nine years older than I. Any conversation we have about her child causes an argument, yet she refuses to go with me to seek advice on stepfamilies. She feels that I am looking for excuses to end the relationship, so she suggested that I move on. What would you suggest?

S.L., Richmond, Va.

Move on--unless she agrees to go to counseling with you. Being a stepfather to an undisciplined teenager whose mother won't discuss the problem may be more than you are prepared to handle in a new marriage.

I'm 24, educated, with no kids, a good job and a promising future. I dated my junior-high sweetheart for nine years. Soon after we broke up, he was expecting a child with someone else. I accepted it and moved on. I dated another guy for six months, He had so much baby-mama drama that he decided to go back to her Are there any educated Black men with no kids out there?

Atlanta

Yes. But you obviously are committing to the wrong men. That a man has a child is not the main issue; it is whether he is willing to commit to you. You should not expect a man to ignore his parental responsibilities, but if he is ambivalent about where his heart is (other than with his children), then you are quite correct to move on. But don't be disheartened. You are young and have a great life ahead. Enjoy yourself and strive to be the best that you can be and give back to your community. Love and the right man will come in time.