Expert advice on love & relationship: Doctor Joyce answers your questions about love, weight gain and adultery

Ebony, May, 2007 by Joyce Hamilton Berry

Q I have been with the same female for the past four years. I love her and I am in love with her. The only issue that bothers me is her weight. She really doesn't seem to care that she gains weight. Since we met, she has gained up to 60 pounds. She weighed 160 when we first met. My weight has remained the same at 200 pounds. Now she weighs more than I, and I'm afraid she'll get bigger if we get married. The problem is not so much her weight as it is her eating habits. She frequents buffets and eats so much. That alone is starting to become unattractive to me. I am not trying to be shallow or anything like that. I expressed to her that I preferred females who weigh less than I. I really do not know how to confront her with this. It is starting to harm her attractiveness to me. Please help!

Lester from Illinois

A Rather than confront your girlfriend with your thoughts, feelings and desires, you should share them with her. Tell her that you care about her and that you are concerned about her health because you would like to spend a long and wonderful life with her. You should suggest that the two of you create a nutritious eating plan and start working out--together. Your girlfriend obviously has some fine qualities. If weight is the primary problem, the two of you can work on that together, for you both should strive for a healthy lifestyle.

Q I am 29 and have been married for almost four years. Initially, neither my husband nor I wanted children. Recently, I have been longing to start a family. My husband refuses. I am currently feeling as if I am wasting my time in this relationship, and possibly my feelings for him are changing. He used to be so driven and had many goals, but all that has changed. I have a strong belief in religion and he has many issues with religion. He has become boring and we rarely do anything together. At the same time, I cannot pretend to be the victim. I have been having an affair with a married man for the past two years, and we have become close physically and emotionally, even using the "L" word. I am very confused about what is going on at this point in my life. I have thought about separating from my husband to spare his feelings, but also to maybe find a father for my children. Although my extramarital affair should not be my main issue, it is. I think about this man often and spend a lot of time with him. I traveled with him recently on a trip to Florida. My questions are, plainly put, should I stay with my husband and hope that he will change, or should I go on with my life? And how do I walk away from my two-year-old extramarital affair?

Desperate in Delaware

A I strongly recommend that you consult a mental health professional to help you sort out your many issues. Adultery and religion are not compatible. If you have such a strong belief in religion, what about the Commandment about not committing adultery? If you are devoting so much of your time, thoughts, energy and affection to another man, you obviously are not investing much time in your husband and marriage. Therapy may help you resolve the confusion and instability that you are experiencing in your life. Rather than hoping that your husband changes, you should spend some time working to change yourself. Before you end your marriage, you should seriously ponder your relationships, your life goals and priorities, and what truly is important to you.

Joyce Hamilton Berry, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist with offices in Washington D.C., and Columbia, Md.