Forever `daddy's girl' - Sisterspeak - Brief Article

Ebony, June, 2002 by Lynn Norment

I am a "daddy's girl"--always have been, always will be. By "daddy's girl," I mean that I love my father, cater to my father, and I am proud to be my fathers daughter. I am fortunate to have grown up in a home with a father, to have had his love and guidance on a daffy basis. I am acutely aware that many Black women, and men, do not have the benefit of fathers in their lives. Some don't know who or where their fathers are. Some who do know would rather not.

But my Dad was there, day in and day out, through the good, the bad and the ugly. My mother passed when I was 10 years old, and Dad was left to rear five daughters, ages 6 to 16. He resisted pressure from relatives to divide us up and let various ones rear us. Several years later, he married my stepmother, and they had another child: a daughter. Looking back, I empathize with my brave stepmother. Marrying a man with five daughters takes a lot of heart and love, and a sense of adventure. With seven women in the house, Dad had to referee intense female conflicts, and most times he lived in hormone hell. But he took pride in being king of his modest castle.

By no means was our home perfect, but it was home and there was love. Money was tight, but food was plentiful and clothes were clean. There were chores, discipline, rules: Respect elders, go to church, study hard, keep the house clean, and stay away from boys (at least that is what Dad decreed). And you had to go to college. On more than one occasion, Dad--who quit school in the 8th grade to work the farm and help send younger siblings to college--preached the importance of education so that we could get a job and "not have to depend on anybody."

What he didn't say was that once you get that degree and that job, then you can think about getting married and starting a family. It was understood that having a baby before getting married, and getting married before finishing college, were unacceptable.

I didn't realize it then, but life was not "normal" and sometimes not even sane in our household in small-town Tennessee, but lessons were learned and values were instilled. As in other neighborhoods throughout Black America, many families on our street were not headed by fathers, but it wasn't until I went off to college that I grasped the concept and the pervasiveness of single-mother households. In far too many small towns and big cities, fathers at home were and are an exception. Some social commentators feel that the absence of a father (or any strong male role model) is the root of many social ills.

Studies show that when fathers are involved in the upbringing of their children, the children behave better, are more sociable and earn better grades. Research suggests that a strong father-daughter relationship within the context of a strong marital and parenting relationship predicts the daughter's academic and career success. A father's support promotes a daughter's social independence and encourages upward mobility in educational and occupational levels in adulthood.

(Interestingly, 90 percent of homeless or runaway children are from fatherless homes. Similar statistics can be found for other troubled children, such as those plagued by drug use and criminal behavior.)

Sociologist Donna Cochran found that Black fathers want to "protect" their daughters from strangers, the wrong crowd at school, and boys (later men) in general. She also found that they are nurturing and want to make their girls feel good about themselves, to instill self-respect so that their daughters will not get involved or stay in unhealthy relationships.

It is said that men choose women like their mothers, and women choose men who are like their fathers. That may be true to some extent. Like my father, my partner values family, shies away from the limelight, has a devilish sense of humor, is fascinated by electronics, prides himself on being able to fix anything (whether he can or can't), and has a strong bond with his offspring. (There are numerous differences, but that's another story.)

Girls look to their fathers to show them what men value in women. Some sociologists say that if a young woman's father rejects her, she will seek a man to meet the unfulfilled needs. If her father is warm and nurturing, she will look for a lover to equal him. If a father thinks his daughter is beautiful and feminine, she will be inclined to see herself that way. But if he rejects her as unattractive, she is likely to carry self-image problems into adulthood. A woman's relationship with her husband also is greatly influenced by the way she viewed her father's authority and his relationship with his mate.

The bottom line is that fathers make a significant difference in the lives of their daughters, in the lives of their children. We learn from Dad's deeds and words. We learn how to interact with the opposite sex, lessons that follow us through life. Fathers should make an effort to be more than just breadwinners, though we need more fathers to take financial responsibility for their children. We also need a father's emotional support and his love.