Expert advice on love and relationships - The Ebony Advisor

Ebony, June, 2002

`Is his love affair with the computer going to delete me from his life?'

Q My sweetheart and I have been living together for three years; we have a good relationship and plan to marry. However--and there always seems to be an "however" when it comes to men--he appears to be addicted to the computer, and it goes far beyond his just working at home. He spends all of his (our) leisure time on his computers, which he has given pet names. If we're watching a game or a movie, he has a computer in front of him. Sometimes he stays up all night--with his computer. I've awakened and found him in bed--with his computer. I've checked and he's not in chat rooms or visiting porno sites. In fact, he only e-mails when it's work related. I care a lot about him, but I'm beginning to wonder if this love affair with his computers is going to delete me from a meaningful place in his life. Should I be worried?

A.A., Chicago

A Rather than worry, develop a strategy to outwit that intruding computer so that you can get what you want and need while reeling in your partner's obsession. Make him shut down his computer and talk, face-to-face. Don't scream, don't nag, but discuss your concerns. Tell him you need more of his time and attention, which you can't get when he's constantly glued to the computer. With your partner, set aside a period each week when the two of you can enjoy uninterrupted time together. One week, you decide what you two will do; he decides the next. (Computer-related activities should be off-limits.) In addition, you should develop your own hobbies so that you won't feel neglected when he's with his other love.

Q I am 18 and working on a psychology degree at UCLA. My boyfriend of five months lives seven hours away; he's a high-school dropout and drug dealer. I'm starting to lose interest in him because he won't change his lifestyle. But at the same time, I really love him. He does any and everything for me; he was there when no one else was. He treats me very well, buys me things and takes me out, but he won't stop selling drugs and he's not trying to go back to school. My friends say that I need him like I need a hole in my head. What should I do?

Los Angeles

A Get rid of him and stop acting like you have a hole in your head. How and why did you get involved with a drug dealer in the first place? Was he not dealing drugs when you met him? Based on what you write, you are not in love. You just enjoy the attention and gifts. Analyze yourself and the lapses in your character and judgment. It doesn't take a psychology degree to see that this is a bad match, one destined to lead to heartbreak and worse.

Q The friend I've been dating for five months never takes me anywhere or does anything with my two boys and me. We just sit around the house. If you love someone, you should take them out to movies, to eat or just riding or something. And I never meet any friends or family members. I do everything for the man--cook, clean, wash his clothes and buy him things. Yes, he does give me money; but what is money when you want outing times together? What should I do: end my relationship or ask him if he is ashamed of me?

P.G., Columbia, S.C.

A Have you ever asked your friend to take you and your boys on an outing? Even if you have, ask him again. If he is reluctant, ask him why he will not, and explain to him that such quality time, together means a lot to you and your sons and would greatly improve your relationship. And stop cooking, cleaning and washing his clothes, especially since you aren't getting what you need from the relationship. If he's not able to give you the emotional support you need, move on.

Q I am in turmoil over whether to leave my husband of 18 years. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. I'm still here because of my children, though they are grown. I am a fun-loving, romantic, caring and spiritual person who believes in family. My family is very close; his is not close at all. I feel he doesn't know how to appreciate me. He never says he loves me, but that I should know that he loves me by the things he does. He's a chronic complainer. We've even been to counseling (he didn't want to go), and the counselor told him the main issue is he doesn't love himself and depends on others to make him feel loved. Sex is nonexistent in our marriage. I don't even want him touching me in bed, not even by accident. We also have issues with in-laws, children, sex and his taboo--"women shouldn't make more money than men." I just don't know what to do. I feel that if I just left, I would feel so much better. I would rather depart now before I start hating and resenting him.

M.A., North Carolina

A How did you survive for 18 years in such a loveless, mix-matched marriage? Try counseling again. If your husband won't go, go alone. Also consider whether your relationship may have affected your children and their views of male-female relationships. Even though they are adults, they may need counseling as well. In addition, seek spiritual counseling for yourself Search your heart, ask for divine intervention and guidance, and then do what is best for you. You have suffered long enough.