The Ebony Advisor: expert advice on love and relationships

Ebony, June, 2003

'Was I justified in asking my husband to give up one of his dearest friends?'

Q I'm a confident 30-year-old lady who is secure with the fact that my husband loves me and would not cheat on me. My husband has a very good female friend he's known since college. Though their friendship has been primarily platonic, they did sleep together. Before we were married, he introduced us and disclosed their history to me. I began to become friends with her and we have a lot in common. She's been very supportive of our relationship from the start. She even attended my wedding, bridal and baby showers. My husband continually talked about her with such high regard. I just have a gut feeling they still have romantic feelings for each other. Both deny this. Her presence just began to irk me! Finally, after I became furious, I called her and asked her to end all contact with both of us. She politely agreed. Was I justified in asking my husband to give up one of his dearest friends without evidence of foul play?

Pennsylvania

A Rather than focus on justification for your action, you should try to understand why your husband's friendship bothered you. You say you are "secure" and that your husband loves you and wouldn't cheat on you. The fact that you demanded that he end a relationship with "one of his dearest friends" suggests that you are not secure. You may have good reason to be insecure in this situation. However, you and your husband should have been able to discuss it and reach a conclusion that left more secure and left his friendship intact. You should admit your insecurity and try to understand it. If you don't, it could become an issue again and eventually end your own relationship.

Q I have been seeing this guy as a friend for three years. We go out and hang each other's houses. I have slept with him many times. We both enjoy being around each other. I would like to turn our friendship into a relationship. Is there a chance for this?

Virginia

A It seems that you two already have a relationship but not a committed one. Moving to a committed relationship is possible and sometimes easy. You obviously are not completely satisfied with the current relationship. Your best bet is to talk to your friend about the ways in which you would like the relationship to change. If he doesn't agree, make efforts to understand his rationale and then make your argument for reconsideration. If he stands firm in his reluctance, leave it alone and enjoy his friendship. However, continuing to sleep with him may prove confusing.

Q I have been married to the same man for almost 15 years. My husband has been compulsively accusing me of doing things to him for 15 years. He accuses me of putting pinholes in his clothes; when he cant find things, he accuses me of moving them. He even accuses me of getting him fired from his jobs. He spends all or most of my paycheck on crack. Our electricity and gas are always getting cut off because we can't pay the bills. We have been served with eviction papers. He cant keep a job and has no income. He verbally abuses me and at times physically abuses me. We have two children and I'm afraid my son will grow up just like him. For the life of me, I can't figure out why I stay with him. I think it has something to do with not wanting him to be a homeless crack head. Could there be another reason and I just can't see it?

St. Louis

A Your first priority should be to provide a safe environment for you and your children. Domestic violence, particularly when crack and cocaine are involved, tends to escalate over time and can result in injury or death. There are shelters for victims of domestic violence and their children in most cities. Check your local telephone book, directory assistance or police station. You should be given a number to call anonymously, interviewed on the phone and, once you agree not to disclose the location to ANYONE, directed to a nearby shelter.

Once you and your children are physically safe, you must take steps toward emotional safety. Establish a relationship with a mental health professional in your community. This can provide you and your children with much needed support and you with additional insight into your comfort in the role as caretaker.

You mention your concern that your son will grow up to be like your husband. You should also be concerned about your daughter growing up to repeat your mistakes. You say you feel obligated to take care of your husband. Somewhere and somehow you learned that it is your responsibility to take care of your husband unconditionally. It is an unfortunate lesson that many African-American women have been taught over the years and one that has been of tremendous disservice to all involved. Your role as a wife is to encourage and support your husband in his efforts to be the best person that he can be. This does not include supporting him financially over an indefinite period while he behaves in an irresponsible and violent manner. Only a mother's love is unconditional and even that may be tested from time to time. Teach your daughter how to be a marital partner and not a caretaker. Take immediate action.