TLC for today's Black man

Ebony, June, 2003 by Zondra Hughes

THE single most effective way to make your man's day is to let him know that you really care, and that you want to please him in every way imaginable.

"Most Black men would truly appreciate a woman who would go out of her way to please him, without having any other motive but to please him, says Colorado Springs-area psychologist Anthony Young, past president of the Association of Black psychologists. "In our society, the emphasis has always been on men pursuing women, so to have a woman show interest and spend time and effort to help erase that is definitely a turn-on to us."

Make his fantasy a reality

What is your man's biggest fantasy? If you automatically suspect it's a three-way tango, you could be sorely mistaken. Men have all kinds of fantasies, big ones, little ones, new ones, childhood ones and surprisingly, most often they don't involve sex.

In Florida, Arnell's husband Ken never owned a boat, and never had been on a boat, but for some reason, had always wanted to go sailing.

So Arnell made it happen.

"I planned a weekend trip to the beach," she says. "Of course, I had already arranged for him to take sailing classes. When Ken and I approached the beach, his instructor was there, waiting for us with Ken's sailor's cap in his hand. I told Ken that we were going sailing and he smiled so broadly that I saw teeth that I never knew existed--and I've been married to him for 30 years!"

In Indiana, April's boyfriend is perhaps the hugest Janet Jackson fan known to man, but surprisingly, he had never been to a concert.

"I was shocked when James told me that he had all of her records but had never seen her perform live," explains April, "so when she came to Chicago on tour we were there, front row and center." April says although the concert was a few years ago, James still talks about the concert and how his woman had scored the best seats in the house.

James has a kindred spirit in New Yorker Thomas, whose woman Jean had somehow scored tickets to a New York Knicks game on Spike Lee's row.

"I don't know what she did or how she did it, but all I know is that I was sitting a few seats down from Spike Lee," Thomas laughs. "My boys saw me on television!"

Be sure that you are clear about what your man's fantasy actually is before going out to pursue it. Don't rely on your interpretation of his fantasy; ask all the right questions before attempting to make his wildest dreams come true.

Be his everything for one day, all day

Letting him be the king of the castle goes a little something like this: He arises (wake him up a little early if it's a weekday) to see you, the love of his life, dressed in his favorite outfit, and wearing his favorite cologne.

You serve him his favorite breakfast, even if it's on a hectic Monday morning. After breakfast, his foaming bubble bath (no quickie shower for this king) is drawn. You wash his hair, and his back. He then steps out of the bath into the fluffy warm towel that you are holding. You dry him off lovingly and direct him to his clothes that are neatly pressed.

He steps out of the house refreshed and into the sparkling, clean automobile that awaits him (with a tank filled with gas). When he arrives at work, he receives a surprise call from you.

Among other niceties, you ask him about the evening meal he wants prepared, and if there's anything else that you can do in the meantime to make his day go by more smoothly.

And, of course, you warn him that he's in for a romantic surprise tonight.

"It's really important to introduce something new," explains Dr. Ronn Elmore, author of Outrageous Commitments: The 70 Vows of an Indestructible Marriage. "The new and the different keeps men interested, just as the steady and the consistent keeps women reassured."

Show him some 'fan appreciation' at home

Fan appreciation day has been a staple of the ballpark for eons. Fans can come to the game and receive free gifts, everything from baseball bats to T-shirts to bobble head dolls, just for coming out and supporting the home team.

Well, how about showing your man a little fan appreciation at home?

The best way to do that, according to experts, is to show him how much you've enjoyed something that he's given to you.

"Men tend to give out what they want back. So if you want to know what he likes, look at what he does in the name of love for you, and give him some of that," says Dr. Elmore.

"For instance, a man in the name of loving his woman is always looking for some way to fix something and make her life easier. And whenever a woman helps us to cross something off our list of responsibility, that equals love to a man."

In the name of fan appreciation, Johnetta hired a local teenager to cut the grass every other week.

"I'm helping a good kid out with this little part-time gig," says the Memphis-area Southern belle, "and I'm giving my man a little time to do what he really likes to do on the weekend, which is to put his feet up and read the newspaper. You should see the look of gratitude on his face when he hears the lawn mower roaring, and he's not behind it!"