When dating a dad, respect his children

Ebony, June, 2004 by Lynn Norment

"THE world of dating and mating never ceases to be interesting--and full of contradictions. Women say they want a man who is responsible and honors his commitments, a Brother who will be a good father and look out for his children. Too often what women really mean is that they want a man who will be a good father to their children. What about the children he already has when he meets you? That's where so many Sisters come up shaky.

A case in point is Paula, a banking executive who long has talked about how she wants a mate "who knows how to be a man," one who "takes care of his family" I was happy for Paula when she finally met her Mr. Right, a professional Brother who appeared to have all the qualities Paula had talked about for so many years. Yet, during a recent chat, Paula was in a man-foul mood, again. "I get so sick of Sam and his brat," she spat out over a glass of white wine. "We can't even have a peaceful romantic weekend together because he has to see after that kid. He spends way too much time and money on him."

"Don't you want a man who looks out for his child and spends time with him?" I asked. She rolled her eyes and changed the subject.

Paula isn't the first woman who has complained about her man doing the right thing by his children. Another Sister expressed a similar attitude soon after she married a devoted father of three young children. "Why do they have to come to my house every weekend?" she lamented. "He gives that woman [the former wife and mother of the children] more money than she deserves. He shouldn't have to keep the children too."

How often have you heard a Sister complain when her former husband doesn't pick up her (and his) children on time for his designated visit? Yet, these same women seem to do everything they can to keep their man from fulfilling his commitment to his own children.

As mothers and lovers and spouses, we can't set a double standard when it comes to men and parenting. We want the fathers of our children to be responsible, yet we don't respect the same sense of commitment our men have for their children by other women. A good man, a responsible man, will look after his children--all of his children. And we should respect and support that quality in him, not try to sabotage his efforts.

When you date a man with a child, you must be fair to him and to the youngster. Don't bitch and complain about the time and money he devotes to his child, and don't act as though you are in competition with the kid. You may be his woman, but his child is his flesh and blood. He can (and very well might) get another woman, but that child will always be his.

A Sister should recognize her man's fatherly devotion as a positive attribute. He won't suddenly turn into a great father when you bear his child. If he's a poor excuse for a father now, he will be an even poorer excuse for a father later. And, as we all know well there are far too many men who are negligent fathers.

Follow the example of Halle Berry, who not only fell in love with Eric Benet, but also with Eric's daughter, India. Even though Halle and Eric have had their problems, Halle remains devoted to India. And then there's Jada Pinkett Smith, who apparently adores husband Will Smith's son Trey, whose mother is Smith's first wife. Jada has shown the same devotion to Trey as she has to her own children by the superstar.

There's no point in getting all out of joint and creating a lot of baby-mama drama. A good father is a good father. And you, as his date or second (maybe third) mate, should respect that quality--and his children.