How to overcome his affair or yours

Ebony, June, 2004 by Zondra Hughes

YOU know about the credit card charges for the 29 red roses--29!--you didn't receive. You know about the mid-afternoon "business lunches" and late-night emergency meetings.

You know about the ATM withdrawals, the lingering smell of perfume in his clothes, and the smoking gun, the incriminating e-mail that you've read a hundred times, the one that leaves no doubt, the one in which she tells what she did for the 29 roses, and the night he told her that she was the first, the one, the only great love of his life.

There it is, then, out there in the open.

So what are you going to do about it?

Are you going to do what feels right? You know, SCREAM and throw his things out the window? Or will you take the more difficult road, the "until death do us part" road and give the Brothers a second chance to repair what is undoubtedly the best relationship he's ever had?

That's one scenario.

A different scenario--and the same scenario from his standpoint--is what do you do--and what does he do--when the e-mail is on the other foot and when he discovers that chance encounter or the long-range relationship you have been hiding, even from yourself.

What do you do now?

The first answer, relationship experts say, is don't panic. Don't-at first, anyway-scream, throw things and say cutting words that neither of you will ever forget or forgive. If you cant' help yourself, go into a room by yourself and let it all hang out. Then sit down and review the situation and the plan best strategy for you and your future.

A common error, psychologist George E. Smith says, is to make life-changing decisions--such as filing for divorce--at the height of the emotional pain.

"You will feel hurt, disappointed, rejected and betrayed, and all of that stirred up together brings on anger," he explains. "And you have the right to be angry because there has been a violation of trust." You also have a right to the truth, say husband-and-wife relationship therapists Robert D. and Paris M. Finner-Williams. The couple say in their book Marital Secrets: Dating, Lies, Communication and Sex, that "when the facts substantiate that you've been injured, and there is no justification for the offending action, then identify your hurt. And ask for and expect an apology, repentance and correction from your partner."

While plotting your next course of action, listen to your heart. If your partner has a history of cheating and disrespecting you, then you may need to re-evaluate your options.

If, on the other hand, you know in your gut that your partner is a good person who loves you and is willing to change and fight to keep your family together, then reconciliation may be on the horizon, especially in a long term relationship involving children.

Dr. Kimberly Meyer, a psychiatrist who has held marital therapy sessions for scores of troubled couples, says that the first thing the troubled couple should do is to decide if they want to continue the relationship. "They have to decide, first, if the relationship is of value to them, and if they can learn to trust each other again. The basic factor in reconciliation is trust. The person, the roan and the woman, must ask himself or herself, 'Can we trust each other again and move on from here?' If they can restore trust, they can overcome anything"

THE 3 STEPS TO RECONCILIATION

There are, most relationship therapists say, three major stages in the reconciliation process--communicating, ending the affair and rebuilding the trust.

Step 1 : Communicate. You and your partner need to have a serious talk not only about the e-mail, but about your whole life together.

But be careful this--conversation should not take place in the heat of the moment, nor should it become an open forum where you air your lover's dirty laundry to the world. It is best to have a trusted third party (such as a pastor or professional counselor) to serve as a mediator to ensure that the two of you are communicating, not just arguing.

Psychiatrist Meyer says there is a basic difference between marital counseling and marital therapy, which identifies the disturbance in the relationship and works to change the whole situation. Unlike some experts, she maintains that you have to treat the whole situation. "This doesn't mean that you blame the innocent person," she says. "It means that you have to identify the disturbance and work toward changing the maladapted pattern."

In dealing with this situation, you have to be prepared to ask hard questions and to receive hard answers, says the Rev. Dr. Sheron C. Patterson, senior pastor of Houston's St. Paul United Methodist Church and founder of the Love Clinic, a national relationship seminar for couples in turmoil.

"You must find out if [your partner] loves [the other] person or if it was just a fling," she says. "Ask if they want your marriage--or relationship-to continue. Process the information, and then carefully make a decision that works for you. If he says that he wants to keep the marriage going and he shows you that he's sincere, then work with him."