Are you a dead man walking?

Ebony, June, 2004 by Kevin Chappell

THE audience howled during most of a Chris Rock concert that I attended recently, especially during one part of the show when the comedian reeled off joke after joke about the trials and tribulations of fatherhood. "When you become a father, your life is over" he said as he talked about his experiences as a new daddy. "When you're a father, you're like a dead man walking. You may still be breathing. But you're dead."

He proceeded to say how a father always takes a backseat to his family, how a father's wants and needs are always low on the priority totem pole and how a father goes through life in a sort of "daddy daze," having learned that his life belongs to everyone but him.

I have to admit that the Brother is funny. My sides will attest to that. In fact, I was still laughing as my wife and I drove home from the concert (in a mad dash to pick up our two daughters from the babysitter)--that is until I began to think about what Rock had said. "Hey, wait a minute," I said as I clutched the steering wheel in disbelief. "He was talking about me. Am I a dead man walking?" "He wasn't talking about you," my wife said. "He's a comedian. Those were just jokes."

Well, if those were just jokes, I thought to myself, then why did much of what he said ring true? Why is this the first time in months that I've been out without the kids? If I'm not dead, then why am I rushing home right now? Any man full of life would be going to some wild after-party. Maybe I am a dead man walking. Maybe I am a father so buried by my patriarchal title that I've lost my true identity. What about you? Are you dead?

Are you a father lost in the shuffle, surrounded by unfulfilled dreams and unmet goals? Are you a father who never has the time, the energy, the money to do the things you used to do, or always said that you wanted to do?

Just like Black mothers, Black fathers also put their wants and needs on the backburner when they become parents. Many--too many--fathers find themselves in a rut--going to work every day, taking kids to extracurricular activities, taking care of household problems and car troubles. Soon, days turn into weeks, weeks into months, months into years.

The only way to get out of the rut is to realize that it's never too late to raise up out of the dead. It's never too late to come alive, improve yourself, whether it's internal improvements of your external appearance. Pamper yourself. Buy that suit you've had your eye on. Take that vacation you've always said that you wanted to take one day. Make a vow to exercise.

Try rock-climbing, a basketball league. Do something, anything, as long as it's for you. Fatherhood doesn't have to be a death sentence for your individuality. In fact, being a father can actually serve as the ultimate catalyst for making the most out of life. Being a happy father many times means learning how to change your game, learning how to marry the responsibilities you have as a dad with the goals you have as a man. If you like to golf, take your child with you to hit a few balls. You'll find that there's no greater cheerleader than a child.

While being a daddy does mean becoming a "responsible adult," one who can no longer party the night away without a care, it does not mean having fun has to end. This Father's Day, make a vow to renew your vigor. Fatherhood can make a good life better or a bad life worse. It depends on you. You can mope around with a tired look on your face, feeling old, and beat down, or you can take the challenges of fatherhood head-on, refusing to let them slow you down.

And--if you take what Chris Rock said to heart--the decision you make can be a matter of life and death.