The Ebony advisor: expert advice on love and relationships

Ebony, June, 2005

Q

My wife has an identical twin, and the only way to tell them apart is that my wife lost a toe as a girl in a farming accident. One night last month, I noticed something strange while in bed alongside my wife: None of her toes was missing. I realized it wasn't my wife, but her twin. It turns out that my wife and her twin had been trading beds several times a week since my brother-in-law had surgery eight years ago and stopped having sex with his wife. My sister-in-law had two children, who it turns out are mine. If her husband finds out, he might kill me. If I don't look at the feet before we go to bed, I don't know which one I'm sleeping with. What should I do?

Baffled

A

You have a lot of soul searching to do. George Smith, Ph.D., a Chicago psychologist who has counseled 3,000 couples, says he finds it hard to believe that you had no dues that you were not sleeping with your wife. And, if your brother-in-law has not had sex with his wife in eight years, he should know that the children are not his. You and your brother-in-law are participants in the ruse, and it appears that you both are more willing than you will admit. You and your wife need to have a long, heart-to-heart talk. There are a lot of psychological issues at play here. Counting toes should not be a necessary part of your bedroom routine.

Q

I am now 33, and my boyfriend of 10 years is 45 and already has children. I want to marry and have children before I'm 35. We both are professionals. He will not discuss marriage. He says he's not ready to commit and needs more time. I feel that I'm losing good healthy years during which I should get married and pregnant. In the past he has suggested that he needs a break, but then we got back together. I love him, but I'm tired and feel that I may be wasting my time. My friends tell me that I should move on, but I don't want to give up on him. Should I dump this man after a 10-year time investment, or continue to wait on his timetable?

Miserable in Memphis

A

Chicago-based psychiatrist Helen Davis Gardner, M.D., says your boyfriend obviously does not have a timetable, though it is clear that you do. She suggests that you consider these questions: Is he monogamous? Are there times when you cannot locate him? Is he frequently "out with the boys"? What do your heart and instincts tell you? Ten years is time enough to determine if you love and want to commit to a partner. If he will not discuss marriage, you may not be his ideal mate, but someone he considers "available." He may have options that you are not aware of. Follow your instincts and move on.

Q

A professional woman at 37, I began a relationship with a guy and it's gotten to be very serious. But he has lied to me from the start. When we first met, he showed me a fake I.D., saying he was 30 years old. It really hurt when I recently found out he is really a 17-year-old high school senior. But I've fallen deeply in love with him.What should I do?

Deceived in Jacksonville

A

Bronwen Millet, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in D.C., says she hopes "very serious" does not include sexual intimacy. End the relationship immediately, as you may be guilty of committing a felony. According to some state laws, intimate relations between an adult and a youth under the age of 18 are punishable by a fine, prison time or both. As a single woman on the dating scene, she says, it is imperative that you protect and take care of yourself at all times. "Part of that process entails asking questions and finding out as much as possible about your potential partner from family and friends before falling 'deeply in love with him,'" Dr. Millet advises.